I guess it's something that most people experience at some point in their lives.
Some people more than others......
In my early twenties I was in Luurrvvv 💗
I was having a long distance relationship (you know the ones we label 'complicated') with someone I had known for quite a few years by then... We had met when I was about 15 through my best friend and at first we really DID NOT see eye to eye.
Over the years we first learned to live with each other and then through adversity we became good friends. Like all good things the relationship took time but boy did I fall for him.
We didn't get to see each other very often as we lived a fair distance apart but when we did it was great and I looked forward to his visits with butterflies and excitement.
Often he would turn up out of the blue, stay a few days, rock my world, then disappear again for a few weeks.
I don't remember when he started to change. I don't know whether it was drugs or an event that triggered it.
It was subtle at first and never aimed at me, in fact, I seemed to have a calming effect on him, but his demeanor was different. He wasn't his happy self. He would come, sit and chat a little but was quite withdrawn and often in a world of his own.
Over time it got worse.
Maybe I should have seen a problem. Maybe I could have prevented what happened. Maybe I could have gotten him some help....
Hindsight is a great thing and when I look back now I can see that he was struggling mentally. He had a problem and he needed help!
Anyway back to the story ....
How it happened I'm not sure because I was always pretty careful...
I got pregnant.
I wasn't sure I felt about it, it was a mixture of excitement and fear of the unknown.
I knew I had to tell him so I pondered on it for a few days then got in my car a drove several hours to meet with him.
It was really late and by the time I found him he was pretty high and happy.
We went to one of his friends house and he had a few drinks and a smoke. We socialized with them for a while then left to go to where he was staying.
He made up some story about looking after a warehouse for a mate so I drove there, following his directions.
All the time we chatted normally, I was waiting for my opportunity to tell him about the baby.
We approached a large warehouse which of course was in darkness.
The roller door went up and I drove my car inside....
The roller door came down behind me.
It was pitch black inside.
I couldn't see a thing.
I stood still waiting for him to turn a light on....
I could feel him coming closer....
He punched me square in the face.
End of Part One...
Fear...
It changes you... It changes the way you live your life.... It changes how you feel about yourself.... It changes everything.
Until you have stared death in the face and believed you are going to die, I don't think you know what real fear is.
The night this happened to me, I spent many hours with my heart rate at some unbelievable level, how it didn't explode in my chest is unfathomable.
FEAR doesn't really cover it - I was absolutely terrified!!!
Nothing has ever come close to this extreme feeling since.
"The key to change ..... is to let go of fear" Roseanne Cash
At some point after an experience like this one, you have to let go of the fear.
Eventually I let it go - I took control of my life again... sort of!!
I will always wonder what more I could have achieved in life if this hadn't happened to me.
This was written for Buddyup as a Drop in the Ocean Topic.
