Not often do I make the time to sit in stillness. The lights had gone out minutes earlier and I went to the balcony and sat on the decking, my back against the concertina doors.
Dusk had already set in and the cloudy air hang low, grey horizon all around. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. I realised I was smiling and I let my thoughts drift. I thought of all the happenings of the day, the weather, the little accomplishments, the treasures found, the funny text messages that made me belly laugh, made me feel special.
The knot that had been sitting in my chest for what seems like forever started humming and then unfurled like a flower bud eagerly seeking the first rays of morning sunlight. It felt like liquid gold was emanating from it, flowing throughout my body. A warm feeling, loving, joyous. I broke out in goosebumps and then pins and needles. Fear and stress fell off me like chaff from harvested wheat. I felt whole and unrestrained.
I slowly opened my eyes and watched the sky. Bats swooping and dipping flew above and around me through the moisture laden air. I wondered what they must be feeling as they flew and chirruped to each other. What the condensation must feel like on their leather like wings.
The elongated swooshing sound from car tyres on the motorway not far beyond and the headlights that deepened the silhouettes of trees, pinpricks of light moving through the branches and leaves on the evergreens. The smell of honeysuckle and jasmine wafted across from the neighbours yard and elevated my senses with it's sweetness.
It was all a bit sublime. I thought of the various paths that led to this moment, that I could sit here in stillness and enjoy not having to be anywhere specific, not having to tick off a to-do list item, no rushing or deadlines to chase. Just a moment of being with myself. It was an unfamiliar feeling to realise I was enjoying my own company. There was no monologue running in my head, my inner critic was eerily silent; content even. It was a moment of universal flow that carried me to a new place deep within myself. I didn't hate what I felt, saw, was. I was just me and I kinda liked the me that I've become.
There has been a lot of bad that brought me to this place, but there's been a lot of good too. Perhaps not perfectly balanced, but today felt better. The balance will come, I just need to keep walking the path I'm on and pushing forward. One step at a time. Patiently yet boldly.
Remembering to make time to smell the flowers and blow dandelion wishes.
