My name in this story is Zara. And I used to be scared of being alone.
Not the normal fear. Real fear. If NEPA takes light and my room becomes quiet, my heart would start beating fast. I must call somebody. I must play music. I must go to my friend's room..,... I could not stay alone for five minutes without feelingg like I would die.... Just like the prommpt said.
My friends laughed. "Zara, you are too clingy. You can't stay alone?"
I didn't know why. I just knew silence was my enemy.
In my second year, I had a boyfriend, Femi. Femi loved that I hated being alone, because it meant I was always with him. I followed him everywhere - his department, his football, his friends' lodge. If he did not pick my call in 10 minutes, I would trek to his hostel. I thought that was love. He thought I was disturbing him.
One day he shouted, "Zara, you are choking me! Can't you be alone for once? Don't you have yourself?"
He broke up with me that day.
I cried inside my hostel room. My three roommates were there, tryingg to consolee me, but I felt so emmpty..... That was the first time I understood the difference between being alone and loneliness. ........I was surrounded by people, but I was so lonely.
That night, everybody went for night class. They said "Zara come." I said no. For the first time, I wanted to stay alone in the room. Not because I was strong, but because I was tired of running.
I locked the door. Offed my phone. Sat on the floor.
The first 10 minutes were hell. My body was shaking. I wanted to call Femi. I wanted to call my roommate. I wanted noise. But I forced myself to sit.
Then something happened. In the quiet, I started hearing my own thoughts. Not Femi's voice, not my friends' gist. My own voice. It said, "Zara, wheen was the last timme you did somethingg because YOU wannted it, not because someeone was there?"
I could not answer.
I realized I had never been alone with myself. I was always hiding inside people. Inside Femi, inside my friends, inside loud music. I did not know who Zara was without people.
I started crying, but different cry. Not because Femi left. Because I left myself long ago.
That night I stayed alone for three hours. No phone. Just me and the wall.
When my roommates came back, they saw me sitting on the floor smiling. They thought I had gone mad. I said, "I am okay. I just met myself."
Since then, I practice being alone every evening. One hour. No phone. Sometimes I sit behind Geography department, sometimes in my room when others go out. People still say "Zara is isolating" but I know better.
Being alone is not a punishment. It is a meeting. A meeting with the only person who will never leave you - yourself.
Society makes it look bad because they are scared of that meeting.
But that meeting saved me.
IMAGE SOURCE AI