Personally, the thing people assume a proper adult should confidently know how to be alone. Not just being physically alone, but actually doing things alone without feeling like there is something strange about it. You would think that by a certain age, going to a restaurant by yourself, watching a movie alone, attending an event without knowing anyone, travelling somewhere alone or simply spending an entire day in your own company should feel completely normal or you must have grown into it. Unfortunately, I am still figuring that one out. I can be alone, obviously but there is a difference between being alone and being genuinely comfortable doing things alone and the latter is one which i have a problem with.
For some reason, their is always this little voice in my head that makes me feel like everyone is watching me. If I go to a restaurant alone, I suddenly become very aware of the fact that I am sitting at a table by myself. I start wondering if the waiter thinks I am waiting for someone. If I go to the cinema alone, I become conscious of the empty seat beside me. If I attend an event where I don't know anyone(which is even worse), I immediately start calculating how long I can stay before leaving without it looking like I have been abandoned. It is ridiculous because, realistically, nobody cares that much about what you are doing. Everyone is usually too busy worrying about themselves but somehow my brain has not received that memo.
The funny thing is that I actually enjoy my own company. I like quiet moments, but these days in contrast i dont like being alone also. I know its confusing and like "pick a side" but to be honest being alone makes me think too much, makes me think deep and if i start thinking too deep, i get sad but i contrast again sometimes I can spend hours by myself and be perfectly fine. The problem seems to be when I have to make my solitude public. There is something about doing an activity alone, especially something people traditionally associate with groups or couples, that makes me feel like I need to explain myself. Why am I here alone? Where is everybody? Am I supposed to be talking to someone? Should I be on my phone so I don't look lonely? These are completely unnecessary questions, but they somehow appear anyway.
I think part of it comes from how we have been conditioned to view being alone. Growing up, there is always this emphasis on having people around you. You go out with your friends, you attend parties with people, r and generally experience things as a group. Even when you are older, their is this subtle idea that if you are always doing things alone, something must be wrong. Nobody really says it directly, but you can sometimes feel it. There is almost a difference between choosing solitude and looking like you were left out, and unfortunately, I think I have spent too much time worrying about the second one.
Whenever I have to do something alone, I usually spend far too much time convincing myself that it is perfectly normal. I will tell myself, "Nobody cares. Just go." Then I go, and after about fifteen minutes I realise that I was worried about absolutely nothing. In fact, some of the things I have done alone have ended up being surprisingly enjoyable. There is a certain freedom that comes with not having to coordinate with anybody. You decide where you want to go, what you want to eat, when you want to leave and whether you want to stay longer. Nobody is asking, "Where are we going next?" or "Are you ready?" It is just you and whatever you decided to do.
I remember one of the first times I deliberately went somewhere alone, trying to feel free and the funniest part was how much preparation I put into something that really did not require preparation. I had already imagined myself sitting awkwardly by myself, looking like the world's loneliest person, while everyone else had their little groups. Instead, I sat down, ordered what I wanted, pulled out my phone for a bit, looked around and eventually just relaxed. Nobody was staring at me. Nobody seemed particularly interested in the fact that I was alone. People were too busy eating, talking and minding their own business. It was almost embarrassing how much anxiety I had created in my own head.
I am not completely there yet, of course their are moments when I feel slightly awkward doing things alone, and I am sure there will be plenty more but I can confidently say now, i am slowly learning that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Sometimes it is simply freedom, it is just you deciding that you are not going to wait for somebody else before you start living your life and I think that is one adult skill I am very happy to keep figuring out as I go.