When ever in my life I’ve tried to think about it, as far as I can remember, I haven’t been able to imagine my future. I don’t mean it in a morbid way, not at all, but I’ve never had a dream job or been able to imagine what I want to do with my life long term or what kind of family I would have.
What I just found out with my extensive (read:hyperfocus) research into ADHD is that one part of the brain that has impaired functioning has to do with mental imaging and how that plays a key role in being able to make long term goals AND work towards said goals. I don’t completely understand it and I’m thinking aloud here so bare with me.
If I understand this problem correctly; my ADHD brain is unable to think far ahead, has difficulty painting an image of let’s say being a doctor and then the third and biggest problem would be working out the steps on how to become one. How can you ACT on something if you can’t even THINK IT.
Something like being a doctor is so difficult that it’s literally painful to try and imagine the steps I’d have to take to be one. Like I understand that you need good grades on certain subjects and then you need to apply to the right school that has entrance exams or something like that and everything has a million little steps that my mind does not even want think about because it hurts.
I’m not joking, it mentally hurts and I’m not even trying to become a doctor, imagine if I had to start working towards a goal like that, it makes me sweat to even think about it and I feel like running away. This is insane because I’m literally just playing with this idea here and it’s making me feel really fucking weird. Trying to think about even some of the steps involved is literally making me feel sick and anxious. And it’s not because I think I’m stupid and couldn’t be a doctor because of that, not at all!
I know many people who grow up with ADHD and learning difficulties can develop low selfesteem and think they are stupid and not cut out for more than some construction work or being a bus driver. I’m an arrogant piece of shit and I know I am smart so that was never the case with me, I literally just could not see what I would do with my life and what steps to take. And still can’t.
This really explains a lot in my life and the choices I have made in terms of school and jobs. MIND BLOWN.
What I do remember from high school or around that time is that my classmates had a job or at least a field of work in mind and then they researched about what they needed to study, where to apply and what ever else goes with it. Then they would actually start taking the steps towards that goal.
In contrast, everything I have ever studied or done school and workwise have been very quick last minute decitions. When having the appointment with a counseler(?) to apply for schools after high school (where I went just to buy me time and keep living at home) all I knew was it has to be something that gets me working with my hands and okay I like cooking and I’m good at it, let’s go with that. I didn’t even apply anywhere but a culinary school because it was the only idea I had. Terrible idea by the way.
And here’s a fun fact; I’ve never applied for a job. I’ve had jobs in several different places and professions but all of them kind of just appeared to me. I’ve never dreamed of a workplace or a job, or had a longterm plan that would need several steps to even get in to study something.
This is an unfiltered diary of anything and everything related to a personal ADHD journey. In true neurospicy fashion, the entries will shapeshift according to who-the-fuck-knows-what-and-when. Try to keep up.
