Taking this quick opportunity to write something because now I got the spare time. Just a life update, or whatever the kool kids say when they want to be self-absorbed online.
So a grown ass man looks at you and says “really? You mean I don’t have to pay for this?!” and I just said yeah, it’s fine, you need it more than I do. Give my regards to your kid and hoping he gets well soon. This is me doubting considering the case holds a worse prognosis at this point. And the old man, the patient’s dad, looks at you with tears welling up in his eyes and I’ve seen this route enough to just say “it’s ok man, you don’t have to think much about it and yadayadaya”. At this point, I’m just tired of exchange and just want to proceed with carrying on my daily work. Had I been emotionally attuned, I’d probably stop and let a bit more empathy come my way but I’m just not convinced to stop.
For context, I occasionally deal with patients in difficult financial situations and have exhausted their govt. financial aids are still required to have some consecutive diagnostic tests, specifically immunohistochemistry studies to narrow down complicated cases for diagnosis and prognostication. The actual tests just look like two drops of the expensive antibodies worth thousands of pesos with reagents and shit. It’s pricey because these reagents and antibodies are ordered overseas.
This system exist between me and some patients who just give me an IOU because you’ve heard all the excuses about their difficult financial situation and since you got some spare cash, why not? Guess no Hive money for this month again. Some actually come back to pay and some ghost but I don’t care. I’m buying my peace of mind.
It’s just one of the many instances where these encounters make an impression and it carries on for a while inside your headspace. To their point of view, they may have seen me as a figure of benevolence and shit, but in my point of view, had I’ve been more competent, I would have reduced their waiting time, and they could’ve gotten prompt treatment soon, or probably couldn’t do anything and eventually all options just leads to shelling out more cash. There’s just some post thoughts I carry for difficult cases that lead to potential morbid outcomes.
And this is just one of the few cases where I end up talking to patients with similar conditions within the past few days. My inbox and call history are from random numbers contacting me and me following up and I really hate the sound of phones ringing. If there was an irrational disgust I have for a phenomenon, it’s the sound of phones ringing for several reasons that would best be explained on another long shitpost. But just imagine strangers contacting you or you need to contact them for business reasons and you can’t just lightly shake them off.
If special test needs running to confirm a difficult diagnosis, the problem would be the waiting time to it to run and then giving it more time to read and evaluate. This extra time spent means adding a layer of anxiety to people going to be on the receiving end of the news. I lost count of the number of times I get yelled at over the phone or in person just cause the difficult cases couldn’t be confirmed just yet but these outbursts just come from a place of anxiety and not really directed at me, I just happen to sponge it because wisdom says you need to get passed the initial reaction and see the whole picture of human behavior.
Doesn’t mean after getting punched and the other person apologizes, you feel suddenly feel better like magic. But their pain somehow gives them an excuse to be nasty and I’m just glad I’m not wired to be sensitive. At the end of the day, these problems aren’t my own to carry and our interactions are ephemeral lessons. I’ll carry the excess baggage in my head but doubt I’ll drop to bawl my eyes out over it. Looking at a time when a colleague I used to work with had to take mental health breaks a lot and leave me to carry on the dragging work, hah, yeah I’m just glad I didn’t end up taking their route.
Like how you see their world crumbling down when they read your report like a death sentence, this doesn’t happen often and some malignancies can be treated, the pain is how bureaucratic systems make it hard for people without money get the help they need promptly. There are several snags in the system that slows the process down but I’m not top management to see everything or in a position to do something.
In the end, it’s mostly about trying to be effective with whatever you can do than think about it and do nothing. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people say they feel sorry for others misfortune for this and that and etc, but no financial need ever went out of their pockets. The response was referring the patient to a non-profit organization or government subsidy than helping out from their own wallets. I don’t see this totally wrong, it makes sense to do just that since we pay our taxes and part of it goes to charity but shit seeing it happen upfront makes me think of other people as just full of crap. Do something at least to make it less difficult for others than it already is instead of casting shitty remarks about how unfortunate and cruel life is.
So I go home not realizing how tired I am until I enter my room and collapse on the bed ending in a snooze. Not a single soul in the household knows the mental drag I go through on a daily basis but it’s not like it’s a relatable experience for those outside the health care services. The ones that can relate don’t need more words, they know and we’re in the same boat so there’s less talk needed.
It’s an understatement that I’m busy and go ghost some of my communities because I’m carrying out my work without the need to broadcast it to the world. You know that kid in your class where they just mind their own business in a corner and you just do a benign thing that makes their break their concentration so they retract and give you a hard time? Yeah I think I’m probably that unapproachable kid in the corner minding my own business because there’s just a lot of work to be done.
This silent streak may get into people’s nerves especially when I used to occupy my time with them and now the contrast feels like I ghosted them somehow. If we ended our interactions in good in terms, it’s going to stay in good terms. I just have a lot of load to sort regularly which makes me value my interactions with the people I spend time talking with when it happens. If the other party doesn’t pick up the hint that as busy as I am but I still make time for them, it’s unlikely that they’ll be getting more of my time in the future.
The thought just occurred right over a few casual drinks catching up with friends when the question pops, how’s it going? I’ll have several images of suffering flash before my eyes all the way through looking at a microscope and typing in reports then end with saying “everything’s fine, just the usual doctor things” and there’s not really much to go on considering we’re at different fields and to each person has their own struggles. I’d be self centered to hog a fun conversation and turn it into morbid but there’s not really a lot of cards I could pull out from my conversation deck but the practical realities of life where less people get to confront on a daily basis. I just ended up being boring but it’s not like I wanted to impress people with a job that drains my creativity.
All in all, it’s just another set of days at the office and it just takes getting used to. It’s faster when you know how to keep your mental headspace cleared of debris. You can’t be effective if there’s plenty of excess baggage weighing in your headspace. I’d just focus on the things I can control and seems to work better for me than be that idealist that complains but does little or nothing. This is just a shitpost.
If you made it this far reading, thank you for your time.