Yesterday, I had a 3-hour long video call with a very good friend who's residing in New Zealand now. I'd say we had something 10 years ago, but I am so thankful that we still update each other and are still very good friends. Now it only feels like talking to an older brother whom I can trust.
Our conversation lead to my plans once I go back to Philippines which is very soon. (I am currently in United Arab Emirates by the way.) I straight away told him that I just want to eat home cooked food and sleep with my cats.
Then he asked me, "After that, Al? What's your plan after that? You can't be floating forever."
That last phrase got me thinking again. Am I really just floating around? Am I stuck and not moving? Am I wasting my years pursuing something that's sort of unreachable given my financial constraints?
I cried after the video call. I cried so hard hoping the answers would suddenly appear in front of me. I cried until I can no longer cry. The uncertainties of life is haunting me again, and it's not the most welcomed guest.
I remember telling him this, "Kuya, you know what, the bigger picture is to enrol in an Atelier. It's a school that teaches my chosen art style. And that is it, really. It's equivalent to a college degree as well. You know I've already given up on schooling, right? So yeah, that's it."
I didn't get the most enthusiastic reply. I added, "I do not understand why people see corporate life as the only thing that matters. I am different. I want to paint. I do not want to use my time for others' ambitions for me. I want to pursue what I am really passionate about, and I guess that won't change."
No definite reply. And I didn't push for it either. I am just glad he proposed some alternatives like working in New Zealand as well. But I have learned not to accept big help from people because I know how it feels to be tip-toeing around. I know how it feels like to be called ungrateful just because I wanted to prioritize myself and not the persons who helped me. I know, and it bruised me to an ugly extent.