When I was Eight, all I ever wanted was to be a house wife, you know, stay at home, take care of the house which was crazy because my mom was working for her own money but I could never say if out loud because people expected better, especially my mother, she was definitely not sending me to school to slave away my life in the kitchen of a godamn man, so if they asked, I'll just say "a doctor" or what ever prestigious profession came to mind.
When I was Ten, it's like I finally got, one of my relatives said you are to dramatic, too emotional, I think you should be an actress. I thought of it and I do like putting on show and playing pretend. I could cry on command and act out scenes for my benefit. All I wanted was to be a superstar, too see myself on television, but I later figured out that I'm camera shy, and I couldn't do it when people are watching.
When I was Thirteen, I had to choose between focusing on arts, science, or commerce department. I choose arts, because someone said I should be a lawyer because I talk alot, I'd win arguments because I had facts, and I know a lot of truth about things. It also fits because I never liked maths and calculations, so I went down that path, but I later found out that I'm only good with words around people I'm comfortable with. I was not so eloquent on demand.
Now I'm Eighteen, and I have no clue as to what I want to do, because people expect you have to figured it out by now, so there was no more voices from the sidelines, no one grooming you to be what they want. No one telling you what to do, as you stand in the deafening silence asking yourself "WHO AM I?" Because all you ever done was to keep changing and fitting in to what I thought people want me to be.
UNTIL.
Until one of my friends asked me " where do you see your self in five years" I stuttered because I never thought that far and I told him I just want to be happy. I could see the..... would I say condescending look in his eyes because he was a goal getter, ambitious person.
And then it hit me I don't have a purpose. I've been a chameleon almost all my life. The painful part is realizing that the world rewards the ambitious, the goal getters, the people who are reluctant in the pursuit of their goal. But I seriously don't really have a plan or dream career or something. I'm just living, call me mediocre, lost, confused all you want
So if you ask we want me goals are, what I aspire to be, I look forward to achieving, I'll give you the same reply I gave that guy but a lil bit updated
I just want to be Happy, Contended and Whole I don't know how I'll get there but I know I will because it okay to not have purpose yet. It's okay to just live.
It's Still Abeegail ✨💗
Trying to find purpose,
The images are mine,
Thank you for Reading.
