It's been a while since I woke up like this, although the warning signs have been around for a couple of days.
While the physical effects are easy the thoughts I have are difficult to pinpoint. It's not fear or consciously worrying about something but a fogginess of thoughts that build up if you don't work against them. You have to think like you mean it or the physical effects will take over and I end up a twitching mess unable to function while my mind losses control of my body. Coming back from that is hard and takes time, often needing medical intervention so the priority is to avoid that.
I've got a knot in my stomach, it's a little like when you're hungry and start to feel sick but at times it almost hurts. I'm thinking like I'm having a conversation with myself, ordering my thoughts to avoid them drifting and the anxiety taking over to drag me to a place I'd hoped I'd left behind.
One of the first things I did when I got up was take my tablets but while most of the twitching of my hands and arms has stopped I'm having to concentrate at times to hold them still.
All this concentrating and distraction is draining and I'm constantly getting up to get a few little jobs done, tidying up the kitchen, folding yesterdays laundry but it's not long before I slump back into my chair out of breath.
It's now over 3 hours since I got up and I'm starting to think I've won this round, I can hold my hand out with just the slightest of a tremor and the foggy feeling in my mind is drifting away. With the worst of the physical effects of my anxiety going I'm starting to put a list together of small jobs to keep doing until I know the anxiety has given up for today. I've some jobs around the house that need doing and plenty around the garden before cooking dinner later. Small jobs done in short bursts with time to get my breath back. Like I said this has been exhausting this morning.
I write about this because while awareness for mental health is getting better, understanding of what it is and how it effects suffers needs to improve. It's one thing to say I have anxiety problems but will people know what that means? To try to explain how it effects you gives a little context so you understand better. I've not had an anxiety attack, or even the start of one like this morning for a good few months but it's still there. Once it's over it's hard to explain so I'm getting this down while it's still fresh and even in the time it's taken to write this the distraction caused by typing is helping.
So here is to a productive rest of the day for me as I fight my illness and today I'm winning.
