Having more time than most people
( although we all have 24 hours in our day )
and especially more time by/for myself, as I am a single stubborn creative who stopped working for a boss almost 8 years ago, I sometimes get stuck into overthinking mode.
the monster of overthinking and underfeeling
One of my default settings is to counter that feeling of emptiness(?) or lack of productivity ( can't stand that p word, as it's pretty toxic but that doesn't make it less strong of a voice ) by filling my brain with information and multitasking. This can be interesting, at times ( I learn a lot ) but also super exhausting and far from relaxing.
Even after years ( decades ) of practice and experience, hundreds, possibly even thousands of days spent with me, myself and I - probably way more than the average person, believe me ( as I have hardly been in relationships, aside from friendships and living with family ) - I am still feeling somewhat uncomfortable. I still struggle to just sit with my thoughts ( ants in my pants don't help either ) and to feel what is actually going on inside of me.
Like most people I have never been taught how to feel my feelings.
And believe me, I have tried sitting meditation a couple of 1000 times and all kinds of other stuff. I have read so many books, listened to loads of podcasts on these kinds of topics but that's not the actual doing.
Anyhow, yesterday was such a day, where the monster of overthinking visited me...
I was all by myself, had no appointments scheduled at all ( not that I schedule much, here in the countryside ) and decided to hike to the river beach and back and to perhaps go for a little swim.
On my way there, I listened to an album by one of my favorite bands ( Future Islands ). You should look up their music, if you don't already know it. This album is called People Who Aren't There Anymore (2024). I love it!
It was quite warm and super dry weather and the hike was pretty intense and lasted about 45 minutes. But - one way or another - I only permitted myself to drink water, that I had brought along with me, when I had finally reached the river beach.
I should be nicer to myself
I was the only one out there, at the river, as most people still slave away for a boss and sacrifice their time for money. And, unfortunately, won't invest in coins like Bitcoin, as they think it's a risky investment.
In other words, although the old system is slowly crumbling, the majority of people apparently still trust bank(er)s and the old financial system ( powered by the biggest crooks of them all ) enough to let them gamble with their money and life savings, investing it in wars and the like. Even the word 'savings' has become a joke by now, with the ever-growing inflation.
I, personally, decided to stop letting myself being bled dry by the system, almost 8 year ago. I was tired of my life force being drained in exchange for what? Certaintly not happiness. The next year I discovered crypto/the blockchain. I haven't looked back and moved from The Netherlands to Portugal, to live a calmer and free-er life, in the following year. It hasn't been easy. Far from it. But I have no regrets.
Where was I?
Back to the beach...
I sent a picture, similar to the above, to my dear friend @clareartista someone who lives a similar life and totally gets me, kind of wishing that she could have joined me here ( instead of being 2500 km away, in Italy ).
I think I spent an hour and a half, trying to relax, at times managing to do so ( enjoying seeing the dragonflies floating above the water, seeing the little fishes flapping near the waterfall, hearing happy birds doing their thing and so on and so forth ).
It sure was peaceful out there, but my mind not so much.
I also enjoyed the weather and the water. I went for a little swim, the temperature was almost perfect but, one way or another, I kept feeling restless.
I seemed not entirely able to get out of overthinking mode.
Now I could make this a super long write up but suffice to say that this often happens to me, especially when I'm all by myself.
Perhaps you'd think that - with so much experience of being all by myself - I would be very good at it but that would be a lie.
We are all social creatures, even the introverts among us, and I usually feel better when I'm in the company of good friends ( and I have a bunch of them ), whether's it's face to face or sharing messages ( preferably voice ) with each other. Phone calls are not really my thing and video calls distract me too much haha!
Let's conclude by saying that there is a difference between acting as if you're relaxing/relaxed ( and sharing these pics with others ) and actually relaxing and feeling connected with the world around us.
I prefer to be as honest as I can and I can sense when other people are faking it.
I shared these thoughts with Clare, today, as well as with another good friend, that I had coffee and lunch with. And then, a bit later, feeling restless again ( this time due to too much caffeine ), I decided to build a post around all this. And - instead of making it a happy-go-lucky, chilling at the river beach post, I decided to tell the actual story behind the pictures.
Hope you enjoyed it anyway haha!
So what about you? How good are you at being alone? Can you actually relax, or are you always on, fueled by the fire within, ants in your pants, etc. Are you, like most people, afraid to actually sit down and feel into what's really going on inside of you and do the actual 'work'? Or are you one of the exceptional people who are good at feeling and don't overthink much?
If you're still with me. Great! I recently revived an alt account, where I talk a bit about finance, from the perspective of a velociraptor called finansaurus ( the alterego to my previous alterego/main character in a many of my short stories and book(s), Hypersensitivosaurus ). I posted twice, this week, but it mostly seems to have gone unnoticed. Would be cool if you follow me there too at : Finansaurus and give this lizard some love. Thank you!