BookBabble #34: "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

"The Secret to Love that Lasts"

This is one of those books that pops up as recommended here and there, so I finally decided to take a look…

The premise is fairly simple, and obvious in a sense but perhaps not really known, understood and applied.

The overall concept being that we all have certain 'love languages', the way we express our feelings and also assume that's how it should be displayed by others towards us.

For example, you may have someone who is more of a gift giver, and someone else who thinks presence (as in being there) is more important. To the presence person, being given an expensive or otherwise great gift may not be appreciated if you aren't around to enjoy the occasion… and they may show up from Australia but without a gift in hand, and the gift person is upset (despite their efforts and cost to be there).

There could be a bit of discord in the above relationship based on this, and whilst there is a compromise, understanding where we're both coming from will make all the difference…

The 5 Love Languages + Other Picked Quotes, Followed by My Additional Thoughts

Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English

That's right, it may not even be as simple as a slight discrepancy but actually work on a whole other basis. In languages it's not just a case of switching one word for another but also the word order and the culture of a country that affect the very fabric of that language.

Even with something like Spanish there are all kinds of intricacies when compared with English. You come to Chinese and it's a completely different set of rules, with symbols, tonality and all.

This could be comparable to the whole languages of love!

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”

Put another way, I'll give you an African proverb:

A child who doesn't feel embraced by the village, will burn it down to feel its warmth.

A child's early years are crucial to how they develop. This is without doubt the case and is born out in studies, whether social or brain scientists or any other kind of observer or test.

Children (and subsequently adults) will look to fill that void somehow, and it could well be destructive.

The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires

No shit Sherlock. Kind of important in a romantic relationship. Plus all close platonic relationships. Without that on some level, what have you got?

Isolation is devastating to the human psyche

Social creatures require interaction with each other. There's certainly a time and place for solo time (and is more important for some than for others) but true isolation and loneliness is a different matter and can be very damaging.

I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile

It's the same thing and works as an analogy. All things (people and machines) need to be maintained and nurtured. If it runs low or goes empty, then there's nothing to work with so it goes kaput. Always having it topped up means things continue smoothly.

Source

LOVE LANGUAGE # 1 Words of Affirmation

Now we get to the crux of it all. These speak for themselves to a large degree and are obviously delved into in the book.

First up is positive language… compliments and the like and generally saying positive things to uplift the other person. All people like people saying nice things to them and about them, but for some it can be the most important thing. Not in a needy sense so much (although it can get to that level) but it's just they feel good and are more likely to reciprocate similar feelings.

LOVE LANGUAGE #2 Quality Time

Next up is spending time together. Makes sense, right? And not just any old time but with a bit of depth and meaning. It doesn't even have to be a lot (although some like more than others) although a focus on spending time with the other rather than other things on the list like gifts.

LOVE LANGUAGE #3 Receiving Gifts

And here we have said gifts. This is a big one for a lot of people. They may not be particularly bothered about all this quality time business, but like to receive and give gifts and believe that is the obvious display of affection.

As alluded to in the intro, you can see how these last 2 could be in contradiction with each other if not observed, understood and managed.

LOVE LANGUAGE #4 Acts of Service

Doing things for other people. Doesn't have to be big but more a case of small favours and tasks without expecting a return. Doing things around the house that are helpful to the other(s) for example, even though it's 'not your job' or you've done many other things. Noticing things they've said or pointed out and acting upon that. Nice touches and thoughtful actions are what these people thrive off.

LOVE LANGUAGE #5 Physical Touch

And finally we have physical touch. Calm down now, not like that… although of course it can include that. This is more about a hand on the shoulder, or a hug or general touching more than the norm but not necessarily sexual (although it could be too). It shows affection and a moment of bonding between 2 people (including platonic relationships, and can even mean more there). To these people, not touching or getting close can be seen as 'stand-offish'.

love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself

The bottom line is it's not about you, but the other person/people. True 'love' isn't about desires or lust or control… it's about allowing others to be who they are and giving (in one or more of the above ways) unconditionally.

Thanks Gary! Anything Else?

There you have it. Not a super exciting book, but very functional. You get the gist already without reading it, but it does delve into more details of course, so definitely worth reviewing further.

Aimed more at couples, but obviously applies to all human relationships. If we just take a little awareness of where people are coming from into our interactions then I think we can allow people a little slack.

Being reasonable and understanding others is a basic cornerstone of our entire lives and this book helps with some of that psychology which can be taken into the workplace or anywhere else humans dwell.

Knowing the 5 love languages is a great start, and if you want more depth then of course the book provides that, along with more resources.

Do you know what your love language is? (you can have more than 1, it's just that one tends to be primary, with a secondary one up there too).

First image my own, second linked to source

Check out the others in the series…