This hunger, that creeps over me,
This hunger for change, to break out of this lane,
This lane, that has been bearing down on me,
To break free, from my self conditioning,
All this warrior shit, that hardened my shell,
That has me living from a place of scarcity,
Of continuous sacrifices.
A place, where I am constantly having to prove myself,
to who ?
to myself ?
Instead of making a stand and roaring I am enough,
Because I am,
I deserve it all and then some,
I deserve, to not always feel like I need to struggle,
in order to be deserving,
That little girl, that resides within,
that still feels unworthy,
She is enough,
she was always enough.
The above words came to me, as I was trying to cook outside in the wind. It's still to hot to cook inside, I have made a makeshift cooking area, but when the winds are blowing hard, it's difficult to keep the hob lite. I'd love to have a proper outdoor kitchen, but I don't have the resources to make one, plus I have no idea how long we will live here, as the land is for sale. Moving on is inevitable, it could be next month or next year. I have no idea. With that lingers this constant sense of insecurity. I wish nothing more, than to have a stable home for my girls. To be able to provide that for them.
They have been through a lot, they have suffered a lot of grief these last few years, so stability is so important. I'm always working towards it and I feel like I am making progress, but I am also aware of this blockage I have, when it comes to feeling worthy. A problem so many of us suffer with. So I'm focusing on working through my shit. Breaking down these personal barriers I have.
I'm proud to call myself a warrior, but I am also aware that it has harden me and that in order to heal I have to learn to soften a little. (not too much mind, you certainly need to be a warrior to survive these times.) This has been the most difficult thing for me. Especially as a solo Mama, who is very protective of her girls and our environment. Making time to put my sword down, it's bloody tough I tell you, but I'm trying and slowly I'm getting there.
( The photos used in this post are mine.)
