I need you to hold me

I looked at my kayak this evening, still loaded on my trailer, left there from the last outing that now seems like a distant memory. I'd planned to get out for a paddle more often, promised myself I would, but there it sits, strapped down securely and dry when all it wants is to be wet, with me on top of it, paddling along in silence and as one with the natural world.

Yeah, I'd had plans to kayak more but here I was, about to unload it from my trailer...not for a kayak adventure, but to free up the trailer so I could pick up some things at the hardware store this weekend. I'll be honest, it made me a little sad, and certainly a little angry at myself for not making the time. Considering how amazing I felt when paddling around...well, I felt pretty bad about not getting out more often, making the time; time that would never come back around.

My first paragraph, it's about nature. I love it and the way it makes me feel. It's difficult to explain how it feels though...I guess more simple, more connected to myself and the planet and also a little smaller...a tiny part of something that is so vast and beyond my power to control. It makes me feel that being out of control, not having to think and act as a functioning member of society, is ok. I feel nurtured and that feeling helps me centre myself, find balance, to relax and simply be. It makes me feel...primal.

It's a good moment; the release of tension, stress and the need to function and from that point everything seems better; the world around me and myself within it.

As I unloaded my kayak I thought about when I may next slip it into the water and a plan began to form. I'll admit that my workplace may not like it, but I am completely confident that the plan is sound and very much needed.

I'm going to take a day of work and go kayaking.

Here's the good part. I'm not taking an annual leave day; I'm going to take a sick day, complete with my normal days' income to go with it. I know, it's a little deceptive to my employer, but I need that day, I need nature, the splash of water as I paddle and the solitude I'll get by going mid-week when everyone else is at work.

As I prepared the trailer for the load it'll carry this weekend I smiled in anticipation of my kayak day and the way it would feel. It actually made me feel great just thinking about being out there. The floating about, simple lunch I'll eat on the bank of the lake, breeze whistling in the pines, birds calling, and the blessed absence of human sounds...and that cemented my decision.

Nature, I need you to hold me.