Somewhere on the Northern English Riviera...
Beach towels lay strewn all over sizzling sand as beetroot sunburnt cadavers shuffle from the sea to their towels then back to the sea like sun-sick zombies groaning in unison...
"I like it warm, but not this warm!"
A young man walks along the sand, flowered Hawaiian shirt and psychedelic shorts blind an errant seagull which crashes into a parasol attacking a small child, destroying this idyllic scene of English summertime.
*A jowly woman beats the seagull away with a copy of heat magazine, each of her 3 chins quivering with indignation like a tectonic movement.
"Get away ya fckn rat of tha air."
Her Mancunian accent echoes across the sand dunes that march away into the heat-haze shimmer.
The sombrero-wearing rebel dayglow shirted fella squirts dollops of sun lotion all over his face, plastering it on like a plasterer who's drank too many cans of Carlsberg.
The temperature sores to 35 degrees Celsius!
"Cor blimey," remarks a bear-like man, as rivers of sweat pour from his jiggling belly, "It's like a fckn sauna."
He chugs back a can of warm Stella, the ultimate cure for a case of acute sunstroke, before barrelling into the sea and blocking the path of the tide - king Canute stylee - with his continental-sized beer gut.
As the Hawaiian-shirted man approaches his family's encampment...
Uncle Dave loudly proclaims...
"I'm getting a tan, fck off with that sun lotion."
Grandparents sit in old foldaway chairs at the tide line dipping their toes in the drink, fanning their faces with bell hats while huffing and puffing about how...
"It hasn't been this hot since the summer of 1977!"
Constantly moving their chairs further into the cooling sea to try and beat the retreating tide.
The newly spawned Lobster race of Great Britain stuff their faces with pork pies, sausage rolls and other delicacies of the culinary genius that is Greggs. Fat dads and mums belch and complain that they're too hot while consuming half the UK's supply of pastry and scratching their heads over why they feel sluggish and sleepy. "Must be the fckn heat" they remark, before drifting off into a pastry-induced Coma.
Across the land, newspapers report on the coming apocalypse:
United Kingdom Air Force Halts Flights After Runway Melts Amid Heatwave
It is on twitter... it must be true!
Heatwave meltdown brings UK to a halt!
Blowtorch Britain - 'Stay in' warning amid deaths fears and travel chaos!
Two of the UK's most beloved newspapers... and not at all fear-mongering parasites.
August heatwave: Long-range charts show blistering 90F blast to scorch Britain AGAIN
Oh no! It is going to happen AGAIN!
That I get to go to the beach and feel like I'm on holiday in Mexico. Whoop whoop... but wait, death and destruction await out there due to the heat wave apocalypse. What should I do! I'm sc...sc...scared!
So what is the fate of us Brits! If there are going to be heat waves on the regular... what can we do to stop the terrible consequences of acclimatising to heat, and having to buy factor 50 more than once a decade.
Oh, the horror!
Will the apocalypse start with the UK being taken over by a monopoly of big business interests in the sun lotion and beach ball sectors?
Will we all be forced to become tanned and healthy?
Will we end up eating a healthy salad for lunch? 😫
I predict panic across the land. Stampedes at the beach every time the temp goes above 30 degrees Celsius similar to what you'd see in South Africa if this happened 👇
The Inevitable Doom of the Great British Isles
If our amazing tabloid press is to believed, the very surfaces we walk upon are going to melt under a blowtorch-like sun as we all blister and bake like a scone in an oven!
Afternoon tea will be ruined forever!
My advice? Stay in your houses people! Buy seven to eight fans and place them strategically around your house... after all, if you succumb to common sense and go to the beach to enjoy yourself, you could be attacked by a heat-maddened seagull as your uncle Dave burns to a crisp lobster tint while watching your Gran being washed out to sea on her fold-away chair.
Is that what you want?
Don't you love your Gran?
Brits, stay at home while the great heat wave of 2022 melts the pavements!
By the way... this devastating heat wave lasted 2 days 🌞🤣🌞
We are now back to much more normal 25-degree Celsius temps in the north of the UK 🤣
Thanks for reading my rant public service announcement.
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