Monday, 27th of May 2024 [117]
Happy birthday to me 🥳
Haha 😂
This past weekend I went on a shopping spree! I bought lots of new clothes, new backpack and had a haircut. My excuse?
No other motherfucker with spoil me on my birthday, so I need to spoil myself 😂
When I started seeing my holistic healer at the end of summer last year, he took my date of birth, plotted my numerology chart and said:
You’re at the end of your 6th cycle. Things are challenging for you now, but you’ll see a shift in your life once you complete that cycle around your birthday time (plus minus half a year).
I wanted to believe him. I really did. But I was at such unhappy place at that time that I found it really hard to believe that life can be bright again one day. I really wanted to…
In fact, the decision to seek help from external source was just the step in the right direction. Arty really kick started my healing journey. His holistic approach to health was just what I needed at the time. Not medication, not pity party, but I thorough change in all planes of existence.
He started from clearing my energy field, then cleaning my diet, cleaning my mind from damaging thoughts, cleaning my body with a thorough detoxing massages, smoothing out those little aches that showed allover my body as it was flooded with cortisol I produced abundantly at that time.
Your attitude sucks! he said to me in the second session. My bestie loved it when I told her about it. We laughed and laughed in the car on our way to yet another London dance adventure. He’s so right! she said. You can’t keep punishing yourself for all the seeming mistakes you’ve made. You’re way too hard on yourself she added.
I was. I am. I have always been. It’s no coincidence that the job I do is quality inspection. Quality over quantity. I live my life by this rule. That’s how you grow as a person.
But they both (and others before them) were right. There is a way to always strive to get better without hurting myself in the process. Without the constant guilt that became so ingraved into my personality. Covered by cockiness, defence and confidence.
To let go of guilt was the hardest thing I had to overcome in my life. Purely because it’s been with me my whole life and almost invisible to my own eye. I needed an outsiders perspective on that. I needed someone to point it put to me whenever the sneaky pattern showed up again… and again… and again. Literally at every single session with Arty. I can’t say I’m completely rid of it, but I’m much more conscious of it and much quicker to let it go whenever it shows its ugly head again.
Fast forward 9 months and a child was born!
Their name is Hapiness
I longed to this for so long and when I posted Actifit report for the first time in 3 months on my alt account I was still very sceptic. I wasn’t sure if it was real or whether the trip to Polish mountians just very temporarily flooded my body with endorphins.
The exercise.
The views.
The conversations.
Cold beer at the top of the mountains.
The blue skies.
The greenery.
A little fall down the mountain? A little blood and knee bruised like back in my childhood? Who cares? 😂
Polish mountains have a way of sneakily bringing the happiness to your life. My childhood friend who took me for this beautiful hike healed her broken heart after her divorce a few years back in those mountains. I’m sure it’s not just the case with Polish mountains, but any mountains, although Polish ones are the only ones I know, the only ones I visited.
I felt so much peace that day and the smile was not leaving my face throughout the day. Doesn’t matter that I only had one hour of sleep and I had to wake up at 3am the following morning to catch an early plane back home. I was af peace. I had to write about it!
2h wait at the airport is a perfect opportunity to write. Basking in the beauty of the amazing sunrise only inspired me more. I could catch up on sleep… but I was too excited.
The happiness lasted another day.. and another day… and another day. I wasn’t even bothered when my boss asked me to cut my holiday short and get back to work. He needed me and I showed up. He was the happiest boss I’ve seen for a long time. I can’t believe only a year ago I hated him with passion 😂 He was however an important piece of the puzzle. I ‘used’ him to get over myself. It paid of a hundredfold. About it another time!
Not only my boss was happy to see me back at work. My front tooth was back in place and I could smile again! I spread those smiles all around me. One colleage after another was leaving our inspection room happier that they were before they entered. Happiness is as infectious as constant winging. And I’ve been whining for way too long!
More good news were pouring in. Two of my least favourite colleages either left the company or are on their period notice. Those not really qualified have been degraded. New colleagues turning out to be the gems. Old colleagues are even more pleasant to work with. Boss happy with my continued efforts to improve our process. All 3 of us in inspection catching up with never ending tasks and having a bit of a breather! That hasn’t happened for months!
Is this even real? my closest colleague and I were asking ourselves. It seems too good to be true!
But there is more. My bday weekend arrived. Shopping spree. New haircut.
Sunny days. Exciting trip to London with my bestie.
New adventure starting this Wednesday…
Should I say? Should I keep it a secret? Fuck it! The whole adventure has to stay a secret in our salsa circle. For many reasons. Politics above all. Or rather ‘bollitics’! New word Laleh invented on Saturday. Bollocks + Politics = Bollitics 😂😂😂
Since you guys are not in my salsa cirlce, I can say it… I’m joining a girls dance group. I’m starting to train with the team of revamped South Coast Ladies this Wednesday. Once a week during the summer, increasing to twice a week from Autumn.
When Laleh told me that the girls group just started secret training I knew it was time for me to get back on that train. I love being on stage. I love dancing. I NEED exercise after putting on so much weight since I quit smoking in January!
I instantly messaged the lead girl asking if she would take me back to the team and her reply 1 minute later was…
‘YESSSSS FUCK YEAH! Would love it x’ followed by ‘Sorry I didn’t ask, thank Laleh’ followed by ‘I can’t deny that if we do a show, it will probably cause some drama that you’re in my team 😆’.
I knew… the bollitics! I’m ready for it!
Laleh and I screemed from happiness that we’ll be training together again for good few minutes. It filled the car with a beautiful energy. It carried us forward smoothly to our destination… London’s best dance floors. Despite the traffic, despite the underground closure, despite the closure of the sushi place we planned to visit.
Oh yeah… I also received this beautiful piece of art costume from Laleh for my birthday! I mean, how gorgeous is it? I do love shiny stuff and this is beauitfully hand made piece that will decorate my next Boom Town adventure 😍
And on the dancefloor? We squeezed every bit of happiness we could out of each dance we had. If there is one happy place in my life, it’s the dance floor. That’s where I thrive and fill myself up with precious life’s energy. It’s all about the monents of connection like this one… With music, with my soul, with my partner:
9 months ago I really couldn’t see myself reaching this place. It required a lot of conscious effort and solitude. It happened gradually. Little improvement with every change I implemented into my life. 2 steps forwards, 1 step back. 3 months ago it felt like I took 5 steps back. I fell back into unhealthy eating, whining, overwhelming guilt. I withdrew. I worried that another step forward won’t happen again, that I won’t find anymore strength.
I did. Another baby step. And another. Go out. Meet new people. Seek new experiences. I was really pushing myself. I continued to run every week. Run and leave the bad patterns behind. Despite getting heavier and every run being more challenging. Then the trip to Poland was literally a mile long step forward.
I realised that facing the challenges head on really helped. The lies I was telling myself, like I’m happy. I’m at peace. I wonder how life with surprise me today and the holly grail ‘I can handle this!’ have slowly replaced the old thoughts of ‘Im a looser. I failed. I’ve had enough. Why so hard?’ and the lies have slowly became my new reality.
I’m happy.
Am I happy?
Am I really?
Yes, I’m happy!
Can I be happy every day like this? When does it end?
For fuck sake Momo! You’ve been unhappy continuously for over a year now. You worked your ass off to get here. Just say fucking ‘Thank you!’ and enjoy! 😂😂😂
So I will. Fingers cross I will!
Happy 42nd birthday to me!
Until next time 💙
| Camera: | iPhone11 |
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| Photographer: | @fantagira |