‘The Horrors of Kwiksave’ is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now-defunct discount supermarket chain) as a 'Stock Lad'.
I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this maggot-infested hellhole and still occasionally wake up drenched in sweat after enduring a nightmare in which I am working there still.
Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions.
Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.
This is the 'HIVE Special Edition' of a multi-part autobiographical story (with a little over-embellishment on some of the details) I posted on STEEM over 5 years ago.
It contains a LOT more detail and content than the original and will fill in many gaps that were missed the first time around.
Chapter One: A Prelude to the Best Job in the Land
Chapter Two: The Job Centre
Chapter Three: The Interview
Chapter Four: Christmas is Coming
Chapter Five: The Changing of the Blades
Chapter Six: The Staff
Chapter Seven: The Auxiliary Staff and The Load
Chapter Eight: The Sugar Maniac
Chapter Nine: The Accusation and "Big Lad"
Chapter Ten: Naggy
Chapter Eleven: Shit & Noise
Chapter Twelve: The Death of Mort
Chapter Thirteen: The Time of Many Managers
Chapter Fourteen: The Calm before the Storm
Chapter Fifteen: David Dire
Chapter Sixteen: Bad Totty
Chapter Seventeen: Tracy, The Wild One
Chapter Eighteen: 'Buff-It-up'
Chapter Nineteen: The Demise of Ian Banks
Chapter Twenty: The Date (Part One)
Chapter Twenty One: The Date (Part Two)
Chapter Twenty Two: Dire's Lunge
Chapter Twenty Three: 'Eggy-Poos'
Chapter Twenty Four: Adele, The Hot Minx
Chapter Twenty Five: Last Christmas
Chapter Twenty Six: 'No Gawping!'
'WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE BELOW'
"You should come and work with Mum and David; it's better pay and you will never get anywhere working there"
“Mum and David”, her brother worked at a local slipper factory, a place that always seemed even worse than the supermarkets but was it really?
Wise words from Barbara, my girlfriend at the time which in time I would listen to, but for now life had to go on as a shelf-stacker changing my blades and humping boxes around.
Source
...'Kwiksave stores were usually hosted in old Cinema's or Bingo halls. It was rare to see them as 'new' shops and my branch was no different'...
… and nothing was improving, in fact, things were gradually getting worse, a trait I have noticed at many a job over the years. Little things were starting to irk me, such as the checkout girls constantly gawping when bored.
Let me explain. There were certain times when the store was quiet, almost empty besides Welder and me filling the shelves. A large pallet would be partly blocking an aisle while we slaves slit open the boxes and stuck them on the shelves.
A lone checkout girl would be waiting for the few customers to process and in the meantime get extremely bored. They couldn't get up, exercise, and even scratching their arses could have earned a verbal warning.
We as stock lads were the only moving item so they ended up furtively gawping, in a semi-daze zombie state while trying to keep awake.
‘Girl’ the non-subject of Welder’s lustful desires, and certified company dunce was especially annoying as was Barbara before she had left Kwiksave.
Source
...'If only 'Girl' was anywhere near the 'hotness quality' of this 'Gawper' I would not have minded at all'...
“Hoy…”
‘Huh’.., said ‘Girl’ shaking her head distracted; spots of drool splattered the nearby floor which I pretended to not notice.
“NO GAWPING”, I said, opening my eyes to their fullest extent, giving her a hard penetrating stare…, ...‘DON’T GAWP”…, “NO GAWPING”...
As I mentioned in a previous chapter, ‘Girl’ was almost incapable of human speech and simply followed up with an embarrassed laugh, straightened herself up, and pretended to stare at some nearby bog rolls for a few seconds.
Did she understand my request? I would like to think so but as ‘Girl’ boasted an IQ barely cracking 50 I wasn’t so sure.
“She’s got the hots for you dude, she wants your pungent cock”, I whispered to Welder who was also unloading this particular biscuit pallet. I received a withering look in return which turned into an uneven grin.
Although Welder was now the Dire’s ‘favoured one’, I didn’t hold it against him and we were still comrades at heart.
Source
...'Was Girl attracted to Welder or even me (shudder). That masculine, 'unwashed in years' look could well have been attractive to the resident female buffoon?'...
Even Welder with his extremely low bar shag bar would not entertain this freaky weird specimen.
The gawping would continue after a few minutes unabated, and after several rinses and repeats, I had to concede defeat. I was going to be gawped at, and there was fuck all I could do.
I heard through the company grapevine that my balding, fat cunt of a boss had recently bought an Amstrad CPC-464 for his younger son's birthday. The information could have come from 'Doug the Thug', the standout normal person in the Dire family, but my memory fails me.
Dire knew that I was the resident computer geek even then, and could have asked my advice before buying what was considered a ‘joke computer’ in those times.
Source
...'it might have looked impressive but it was seriously underpowered compared to it's peers from that time. Owning one was information to be left in the closet'...
I didn’t know anybody who had contemplated buying an Amstrad, never mind going ahead with the witless plan. In later years, Amstrad would buy Sinclair and the +2 model would look very similar to the CPC-464.
By 1985, this was seriously old hat and a laughable mistake. If fat chops would have asked me, I would have told him to buy a Commodore 64, or an Atari 800XL even if I did detest the googly-eyed twat.
...'owning one of these in 1985 had special benefits, especially if you knew 'Yours Truly'...'
… and good luck with the games, you're going to have to buy them all, which was something strictly against my immoral pirating 1985 ideology.
Some checkout operators left and others replaced them, but other than Sue Banks I can’t recall their names. Sue was related to Ian Banks, the same stock lad that had jam and eggs dumped over his head and had left rather hurriedly.
Sue was a different character altogether. For one, she looked astonishingly like Kim Wilde. This was the mid 80’s and Kim Wilde was a babe.
Source
...'Kim Wilde was hot property in 1985, and having a clone working in this decrepit supermarket brightened up our day no end'...
Of course, I was a taken man at this point but Welder did try it on at one point and was hastily rebuffed.
'You can't expect a chick of that quality to want your dick", I said to Welder one day after he came shuffling into the back shop looking forlorn.
“What about that geeky chick you were shagging?”
“We split up”, he said wistfully not wanting to elaborate. I didn’t push him.
Source
...'I never did find out why Welder split with his geeky girl. Did she ask him to take a bath and was rebuked?'...
Sue was in a different league, but not so much that she was unapproachable. I remember chatting with her on numerous occasions. Maybe she didn’t see me as a threat?
I was still a long-haired hippy with a large dose of 70s written all over my visage. That would change, but not for another year.
To be continued...
Cover Picture is a combination of free sources from here and here, combined and edited with Luminar 4. Any unsourced images are my own. Some images produced using Bing AI.
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