‘The Horrors of Kwiksave’ is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now-defunct discount supermarket chain) as a 'Stock Lad'.
I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this maggot-infested hellhole and still occasionally wake up drenched in sweat after enduring a nightmare in which I am working there still.
Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions.
Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.
This is the 'HIVE Special Edition' of a multi-part autobiographical story (with a little over-embellishment on some of the details) I posted on STEEM over 2 years ago.
It contains a LOT more detail and content than the original and will fill in many gaps that were missed the first time around.
Chapter One: A Prelude to the Best Job in the Land
Chapter Two: The Job Centre
Chapter Three: The Interview
Chapter Four: Christmas is Coming
Chapter Five: The Changing of the Blades
Chapter Six: The Staff
Chapter Seven: The Auxiliary Staff and The Load
Chapter Eight: The Sugar Maniac
Chapter Nine: The Accusation and "Big Lad"
Chapter Ten: Naggy
Chapter Eleven: Shit & Noise
Chapter Twelve: The Death of Mort
Chapter Thirteen: The Time of Many Managers
Chapter Fourteen: The Calm Before the Storm
'WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE BELOW'
After being a solo slave to the shelves for so long it appeared the Kwiksave hierarchy had reconsidered what a reasonable number was in terms of numbers.
From just ME, Welder was now working alongside me and another YOP was about to enter the arena.
The cynic in me knew that Kwiksave was simply hiring live slaves again, and though Naggy was consistent in his work, the rate of his progress was around 50% of mine.
I’m not saying I was fast or good at emptying palate after palate of food goods or dealing with customers who pointed to the top shelf as their fucking dog liked that flavour of Winalot, and not the ones on the shelves but I was at least competent.
Brian was another acne-ridden lad straight from school and was very likeable. YOP's so far all appeared to be a dermatologist’s nightmare.
The atmosphere was immediately improved and the managers associated with rectums had mostly cleared up as we had enough staff now to get the work done.
Brian or 'Brainless Brian' as Welder used to refer to him was a Burnley Football Club fan and one of these people who didn't just go for the football, but sometimes for the violence.
Football Hooliganism was a bit of a problem in the 1980s. Some people went just to start a fight and not to see the game.
He didn't seem that type but constantly used to talk about 'Titheads'. I learned that a 'Tithead' was a law enforcement officer or Policeman, and the term came from the unfortunate-looking helmets that they were made to wear.
Source
...'Brian's acne was about the same as this kid's. I was beginning to think acne was a pre-requisite to enter Kwiksave as a YOP'...
I would not say that Brian educated me, more enlightened me about other reasons to go to a football match.
He was quite short, no beefcake and my assumption was he liked to 'watch' the violence rather than partake in it.
The local pubs in Burnley regularly got smashed up and vandalised by rioting football fans during this period. It must have been worth it as just a week later all the damage was once again fixed.
I do wonder if some landlords had a deal with the local gang lords, 'The Suicide Squad', such as in the days of prohibition and the Chicago gangs.
I only know of ‘The Suicide Squad’ due to the information of ‘Walrus Breath’ who I met many years later through Software Piracy.
Source
Brians’ tenure was rather short-lived, and I was wondered if Welder had bullied him off. By June 1982 he was gone only to be replaced by two more YOP’s.
I can't remember the name of the long-haired hippy kid who joined; he could barely talk never mind stack the shelves.
I managed to get a high-pitched squeak out of him on a couple of occasions… such was the limit of his vocabulary.
To say this one was a little short up there was an understatement. Two weeks later he was gone.
The other new starter was named Gordon. This was a rather unfortunate name to have in 1982, due to the song ‘Jilted John’ that had hit the UK music charts 4 years before.
Anyone named Gordon was simply a moron, because of Jilted John’s lyrics.
Gordon was a nice lad, very friendly, overweight, and was constantly heckled by Welder because of his name.
‘Gordon is a moron, Gordon is a moronnnnnnn’, droned the terrible singing emanating from the back-shop probably in the earshot of customers.
I must confess that I did jibe him about it too. Gordon took it all with shrugged shoulders, he had likely seen and heard it all before, and must have thought we were mindless morons with all the shit we gave him.
Gordon Brown must have been called a 'moron' many times before becoming the UK's Prime Minister in 2007. Being named Gordon was very bad news indeed during the early 1980s.
Unlike his YOP predecessors, Gordon was not a stupid kid and did posess intelligence.
It was no surprise that he was also gone after 3 months. Gordon didn't fit well into the shelf-stacking lifestyle and constantly complained about his status as a human slave.
After 3 very short-stay YOP’s, we were told there would be no more.
Maybe the Manpower Services Commission had noted their candidates did not stick it long at Kwiksave and had declined the supermarket any more future free serfs?
By September 1982 a major change was to happen, ‘The Time of Many Managers’ would end and a new 'very bad' permanent one would soon arrive.
To be continued...
Cover Picture is a combination of free sources from here and here, combined and edited with Luminar 4. Any unsourced images are my own.
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