...Abrí los ojos de golpe las lagrimas me inundan los ojos, mi mente corria al paso de mis recuerdos, ellos era reales, si habian existido... habian...
---- Soy Alejandro Ingnacio Gonzales Lopez, fui internado aqui despues de mi tercer intento fallido de suicidio, he tratando de matarme por más de 498 días despues de la muerte de mi hermana y mi cuñado en un accidente de transito... despues de ellos salieron de mí...---- la voz me fallo, no queria seguir, hablarlo lo hacia más grave, más pesado, más real, más cierto.
Todo estaba mal, el día despues de esa noche de ese momento se suponia que seria un nuevo inicio para los tres, el que nos llevaria un poco más cerca de conocer lo que era la felicidad o lo más parecido a la felicidad que se pudiera... pero nada fue así, nada fue bien, ninguno consiguio lo que queria, solo desgracia; causado por mi supuesto gran inicio.
Llore durante un rato, el doctor permanecio en silencio, trato de hacerme preguntas que me nege a contestar, deseaba estar solo... estaba solo... Y no queria estar solo, me habia equivocado, no estaba ni nunca estaria listo para estar separado de mi hermana, de mi luz, ¡al diablo con todo y todos!.
---- Sueltenlo... ---- escuche decir al frustrado doctor, habia echo de todo por mí, pero nada tenia resultados positivos, nunca los tendria, yo ya no podía ser salvado, la unica alma que podia arrancarme de mi miseria ya no estaba aqui conmigo.
Senti como los enfermeros soltaban mis estremidades, como me despojaban de las ataduras. Pero aun sin ellas, segui igual tumbado en la cama, no tenia fuerza para nada, siempre era así, esta era la octagesima ves que perdia la memoria me volvia violento, me drogaban y me ataban, no creia poder seguir así, ya todos lo sabian, malditos tercos que no me dejasban morir en paz.
----Levantate, Alejandro ---- dijo el doctor, me sente, vi que frente a mi habia un carrito auxiliar, con varios medicamento, y un botiqui de primeros auxilios muy desgastado, era uno de esos que cuelgas en la pared pero este se veia que tenia años que lo paseaban sin rumbo fijo. Un destello de metal se vio de dentro de este, vi el pequeño y ensangretado bisturi, muy lentamente me levante, me tambalee un poco pero uno de los enfermeros me sostuvo, muy cerca, me dije.
No lo pense mucho, nadie parecio pensarlo tampoco, por lo general cuando estos episodios pasaban yo me quedaba sumiso por un tiempo, pero hoy no, hoy me era dificil respirar. Me lance hacia el que pequeño carro y sin mucho esfuerzo obtuve el bisturí, no deje que nadie lo pudiera pensar mucho, me lo clave directo a la yugular, bendije a mis conocimientos de anatomia por ello, aun asi no pare allí, los estruje contra esté y lo lleve al otro extremo, no queira que fuera una pequeña herida, tenia que ser cuidadoso, esta vez nadie me salvaría.
Vi la cara se shock de todos, casi logre reirme, antes de caer al piso, todos intentaban tapar la herida mientras yo manoteaba con mis ultimas fuerza, ya no me quedaba nada.
Un pequeño reflejo me llamo la atención, eran los ultimos rayos de sol, eran hermosos, me reí mientras me ahogaba con mi propia sangre me imaginaba como me veria en el piso tendido rodeado de personas que eran desconocidas para mí, lleno de sangre y con una cínica sonrisa en la cara, que imangen mas graciosa. Me ahoge aun más, el caos a mi alrededor me desesperaba, estos malditos eran persistentes con mi vida, queria gritarles que si yo ya me habia rendido, ellos tambien tendrian que hacerlo.
Los utlimo pensamiento coherente abandonaron mi mente, solo la enceguesedora oscuridad que esperaba una última imagen paso por mi mente...
...Mi hermana retosaba perezosamente en los brazos de Manuel, ellos observaban con placer a dos pequeños niños acurrucacos en el centro de la cama, era la viva imagen de dos angeles, se veían perfectos. Mi hermana se estiro para besar a Manuel, los rayos del sol estaba dejando el horizonte, todo era tan real, tan vivido, me dieron ganas de llorar.
---- Ale, que pasa? ---- dijo Manuel mientras se acurricada mas contra mi hermana ---- Ven a dormir, ha sido un largo día ----. Solte el solloso reprimido en mi garganta mientras que buscaba un pequeño espacio en la cama para retosar con ellos...
La luz de la habitacion me desperto, con esa imagen en la mente no pude más que llorar, ¿como era posible que yo siguiera con vida y ellos no? Llore desconsolabamente hasta quedar inconciente.
...
El doctor observaba a Alejandro dormir, era una penosa imagen pero no era de su incumbecia hacer algo, se dijo, el pobre humano aun no se daba cuenta que su tercer intento de suicidio habia sido un excito, que estaba aquí para una cosa y solo una cosa... expiar sus pecados...
...I opened my eyes suddenly, tears flooded my eyes, my mind ran to the step of my memories, they were real, if they had existed ... they had...
---- I am Alejandro Ingnacio Gonzales Lopez, I was hospitalized here after my third failed suicide attempt, I have been trying to kill myself for more than 498 days after the death of my sister and my brother in law in a traffic accident... after they went out of me... ---- my voice failed me, I didn't want to go on, talking about it made it more serious, more heavy, more real, more true.
Everything was wrong, the day after that night of that moment was supposed to be a new beginning for the three of us, the one that would bring us a little closer to knowing what happiness was or as close to happiness as we could get... but nothing was like that, nothing went right, none of us got what we wanted, only misfortune; caused by my supposed great beginning.
I cried for a while, the doctor remained silent, he tried to ask me questions that I refused to answer, I wanted to be alone... I was alone... I was alone... And I didn't want to be alone, I was wrong, I was not and never would be ready to be separated from my sister, from my light, to hell with everything and everyone!
---- Let him go... ---- I heard the frustrated doctor say, he had done everything for me, but nothing had positive results, I would never have them, I could no longer be saved, the only soul that could pull me out of my misery was no longer here with me.
I felt how the nurses let go of my shudders, how they stripped me of my restraints. But even without them, I was still lying on the bed, I had no strength for anything, it was always like that, this was the eighth time I lost my memory, I became violent, they drugged me and tied me up, I did not believe I could go on like that, everyone knew it, damn stubborn people who would not let me die in peace.
---- Get up, Alejandro ---- said the doctor, I sat down, I saw that in front of me there was an auxiliary cart, with several medicines, and a very worn first aid kit, it was one of those that you hang on the wall but this one looked like it had years that they were walking it aimlessly. A flash of metal was seen from inside it, I saw the small and bloodied scalpel, very slowly I got up, I staggered a little but one of the nurses held me, very close, I said to myself.
I didn't think much about it, nobody seemed to think about it either, usually when these episodes happened I would stay submissive for a while, but not today, today it was hard for me to breathe. I threw myself towards the little cart and without much effort I got the scalpel, I didn't let anyone think much about it, I stuck it straight to the jugular, I blessed my knowledge of anatomy for it, even so I didn't stop there, I squeezed it against it and took it to the other end, I didn't want it to be a small wound, I had to be careful, this time no one would save me.
I saw the shocked faces of everyone, I almost managed to laugh, before falling to the floor, everyone was trying to cover the wound while I was struggling with my last strength, I had nothing left.
A small reflection caught my attention, they were the last rays of sunlight, they were beautiful, I laughed while I drowned in my own blood, I imagined how I would look on the floor lying surrounded by people who were strangers to me, full of blood and with a cynical smile on my face, what a funny image. I choked even more, the chaos around me made me desperate, these bastards were persistent with my life, I wanted to scream at them that if I had already surrendered, they would have to do it too.
The last coherent thought left my mind, only the blinding darkness that awaited a last image passed through my mind...
...My sister was lazily challenging in Manuel's arms, they were watching with pleasure two little children cuddled in the center of the bed, it was the spitting image of two angels, they looked perfect. My sister stretched out to kiss Manuel, the sun's rays were leaving the horizon, everything was so real, so vivid, it made me want to cry.
---- Ale, what's wrong? ---- said Manuel as he snuggled more against my sister ---- Come to sleep, it's been a long day ----. I let out the stifled sob in my throat as I searched for a small space in the bed to challenge them...
The light in the room woke me up, with that image in my mind I could only cry, how was it possible that I was still alive and they were not? I cried inconsolably until I became unconscious.
...
The doctor watched Alejandro sleep, it was a painful image but it was not his business to do anything, he said to himself, the poor human still did not realize that his third suicide attempt had been a success, that he was here for one thing and one thing only... to atone for his sins...
Muchas gracias por leer, para los que no lograron leer las anteriores aquí les dejo los enlaces:
Thank you very much for reading, for those who could not read the previous ones, here are the links:
Las Probabilidades Dictan Muerte. Enlace 1
Las Probabilidades Dictan Muerte. Parte II. Enlace 2
Las Probabilidades Dictan Muerte. Parte III. Enlace 3
Imagenes de mi autoria realizada con Canva