Un vago sentimiento de familiaridad me saca de esta ensoñación como si necesitara recordar algo importante, giro el rostro al único objeto en la habitación, un simple reloj colgado encima de la puerta, son las 5:57 p.m. el sol se ocultaba pesadamente en el horizonte, parecía letargico, el muy canalla no sabe lo identificado que me sentía yo con ese sentimiento. Me retuerso tratando de encontrar comodidad pero me era imposible en aquellas condiciones, el movimiento me marea y lentamente me hace perderme…
…Veo al joven pasearse de un lugar a otro como una hiena enojada, su rostro se ve perturbado por la preocupacion y el enojo, la confusion se destella en sus ojos; el sonido de la puerta llama su atención.
---- Estas despierto...---- dice la joven mientras cierra la puerta tras ella, se veia agotada, como si algo la estuviera carcomiendo ---- Lo siento por desaparecer, se que debi llamar, pero tenia demasiado en la cabeza no sabia que hacer, que decir, yo solo...---- la joven agacha la cabeza como si hubiera perdido una feroz batalla, indicios de lagrimas llenan sus ojos.
Él joven se precipita a abrazarla, parecian dos almas que se fucionaban en armonia, un simple equilibrio perfecto, pero aun entre tanto equilibrio y tanto amor, debia haber caos y dolor, asi funcionaba la vida.
---- Esto no es solo dificil para ti Lucia, yo tambien tengo que lidiar con esto, se que no lo parece pero si me afecta, estoy aqui, tú tambien, nos tenemos el uno al otro y eso es todo lo que importa, mejores tiempos vendras, Dios mediante todo sanara y mejorara. ---- el joven la rulla entre sus brasos mientras ella llora, nunca la habia visto llorar, su corazon se estruja con el mismo dolor que él de ella; perder un hijo aun cuando no es deseado era algo dificil, no hay mayor dolor que una ilusion rota...
Gruño de frustracion, luces que provenian del pasillo me dan a entender que la privacidad es un lujo, ojos observan de vez en vez desde la pequeña ventanilla de mi puerta, me siento inmensamente triste, ni siquiera la joven pareja de mi mente pueden ser felices, que clase de desquisiada mente tengo, que ni siquiera pude inventar un escape del dolor aún en su propia imaginación, mi traidora mente. Ruedo la cabeza lejos de la puerta y me dejo llorar hasta perder la conciencia de nuevo...
...Pequeños gritos y chillidos alegres provienen de la cocina, la pareja de niños juegan y rebolotean alrededor de la joven que ahora era una más hermosa mujer, nada en ella habia disminuido, parecia que los años solo le habian regalado bellesa y vida a su rostro, dos pequeñinos mellizos se aferraban a sus piernas.
---- Mama, tengo ganas de jugar, ven a jugar con nosotros ---- dice uno de los niños mientras la observa con ojitos de cachorro ---- Mami, ya casi terminas verdad? ---- pregunta su hermano tratando de no ser igual de ansioso.
---- Un poco más y ya estoy allá, mis amores ---- responde la joven con apuro, la paciencia que se necitaba para los mellizos era infinita.
"Grrrrrrrrr" se escucho decir desde la puerta de la cocina al joven que ahora era un padre amoroso y energetico con sus hijos, los dos pequeños saltaron desde las piernas de su madre corriendo y riendo mientras gritaban "no me atrapas monstruo", salieron corriendo de la cocina para evitar su captura.
---- Cada dia son mas engeticos mi amor, no se como vamos a sobrevivir a su energia ---- dice el joven mientras rie y planta un beso a su esposa ---- Grrrrr, mejor que esten preparado para el monstruo de las cosquillaaaaaaasssss ----.
Lentamente sigue a su esposo secandoce las manos con una paño, se quedo en la puerta de la cocina meneando la cabeza con divercion mientras veia la escena, que su opinion era la luz de su vida, su esposo siendo atacado por sus dos hijos echos una marañas de risas y energia, la joven pareja se veia feliz, aun con todo y el caos, esta era feliz...
Un largo suspiro me despierta, una persona esta sentada frente a mi, un señor en sus plenos cuarenta con una bata blanca y unos muy marcados pomulos me observan muy de cerca como si tratara de medir que tan lucido estaba yo y que tanto de mí no estaba roto, eso me causo gracias, ni yo mismo sabia que tanto de mí se habia perdido, ni tampoco que era lo que quedaba.
----Bueno señor, aqui estamos otra vez, se que esto es incomodo para ti, pero es por tu seguridad y la mia, todas estas...---- hizo un ademán con la mano hacia todo mi cuerpo tratando de dar a entender que cada parte atada de mi cuerpo era lo mejor y lo más prubente ----... molestias.---- termino la frace con un suspiro frustrado.
Tomo la unica silla que reposa sola en una esquina, la coloco a un lado de mi cama y me miro, su mirada me enojaba, me hacia sentir por debajo de cualquier cosa, me era frustrante.
---- Dime, recuerdas quien eres, y en donde estas ---- los gestos de su cuerpo parecian mecanicos como si ese simple cuestionamiento fuera su pan de cada dia, aun no entendia nada, nada me era coherente, ni de cerca a decir lógico.
---- No.---- respondi con una penosa vos, sentia la garganta seca. Fije mi mirada a la blanca pared frente a mí. Un sentimiento de irritacion se apodero de mí, como si esta coversacion fuera una parte desagradable de la rutina.
---- Esto mi querido paciente, es una institución psiquiatrica, damos asistencia a pacientes como tú, que necesitan un poco de atencion "especial" ----.
"Especial"... la bendita palabra me dejaba un sentimiento de desasosiego en la boca del estomago, como si "especial" significara escoria con necesidades "especiales".
---- Porque no comenzamos con algo facil, tratemos de recordar su nombre ---- el doctor se inclino esperando mi reaccion; con ciertos animos de esperanza. ---- Doctor, con todo respeto, si yo pudiera recordar una mierda, no estariamos en estas, creo yo ---- conteste con toda la frustracion de una persona que necesita atencion "especial".
---- Bueno haber una pista, para así hacer funcionar tu cerebro, tu apellido es Gonzales, facil no?, ahora solo tienes que averiguar tu nombre...----
Un destello en mi mente me hizo sacudirme...
A vague feeling of familiarity snaps me out of this reverie as if I need to remember something important, I turn my face to the only object in the room, a simple clock hanging above the door, it's 5:57 p.m. the sun was hiding heavily on the horizon, it seemed lethargic, the scoundrel doesn't know how identified I felt with that feeling. I twist trying to find comfort but it was impossible in those conditions, the movement makes me dizzy and slowly makes me lose myself...
…I see the young man walking from one place to another like an angry hyena, his face is disturbed by worry and anger, confusion flashes in his eyes; the sound of the door catches his attention.
---- Are you awake...---- says the young woman as she closes the door behind her, she looked exhausted, as if something was eating her ---- I'm sorry for disappearing, I know I should have called, but I had too much in my head I didn't know what to do, what to say, I just... ---- the young woman lowers her head as if she had lost a fierce battle, traces of tears fill her eyes.
The young man rushes to hug her, they seemed like two souls that merged in harmony, a simple perfect balance, but even between so much balance and so much love, there must be chaos and pain, that's how life worked.
---- This is not only difficult for you Lucia, I also have to deal with this, I know it doesn't seem like it but if it affects me, I'm here, you too, we have each other and that's all that matters , better times will come, God through everything will heal and improve. ---- the young man rulla her between her arms while she cries, he had never seen her cry, her heart is squeezed with the same pain as his; losing a child even when he is unwanted was something difficult, there is no greater pain than a broken illusion...
Frustrated groan, lights coming from the corridor make me understand that privacy is a luxury, eyes look from time to time from the small window of my door, I feel immensely sad, not even the young couple in my mind can be happy , what kind of crazy mind I have, that I couldn't even invent an escape from the pain even in his own imagination, my treacherous mind. I roll my head away from the door and let myself cry myself out again...
...Little shouts and joyful squeals come from the kitchen, the couple of children play and flutter around the young woman who was now a more beautiful woman, nothing in her had diminished, it seemed that the years had only given beauty and life to her face, two tiny twins clung to her legs.
---- Mom, I want to play, come play with us ---- says one of the children while looking at her with puppy dog eyes ---- Mommy, you're almost done right? ---- asks her brother trying not to be just as anxious.
---- A little more and I'm already there, my loves ---- the young woman responds in a hurry, the patience that was needed for the twins was infinite.
"Grrrrrrrrr" was heard from the kitchen door to the young man who was now a loving and energetic father with his children, the two little ones jumped from their mother's legs running and laughing while shouting "you don't catch me monster", they ran away from the kitchen to avoid capture.
---- Every day they are more energetic my love, I don't know how we are going to survive their energy ---- says the young man as he laughs and plants a kiss on his wife ---- Grrrrr, better be prepared for the monster of the tickling ----.
Slowly following her husband, drying her hands with a cloth, she stood at the kitchen door shaking her head in amusement as she watched the scene, which she believed was the light of her life, her husband being attacked by their two sons in one. tangles of laughter and energy, the young couple looked happy, even with everything and the chaos, this was happy...
A long sigh wakes me up, a person is sitting in front of me, a man in his mid-forties with a white coat and very marked cheekbones, watching me very closely as if trying to measure how lucid I was and how much of me was not. It was broken, that caused me thanks, I didn't even know how much of me had been lost, nor what was left.
----Well sir, here we are again, I know this is uncomfortable for you, but it's for your safety and mine, all these... ---- he made a gesture with his hand towards my whole body trying to to imply that each tied part of my body was the best and the most prudent ----... inconvenience.---- I finish the sentence with a frustrated sigh.
I take the only chair that rests alone in a corner, I place it next to my bed and look at me, his gaze made me angry, it made me feel below anything, it was frustrating me.
---- Tell me, do you remember who you are, and where you are ---- the gestures of his body seemed mechanical as if that simple questioning was his daily bread, he still did not understand anything, nothing was coherent to me, not even close to say logical.
---- No.---- I replied with a painful voice, my throat felt dry. I fixed my gaze on the white wall in front of me. A feeling of irritation washed over me, as if this conversation was an unpleasant part of the routine.
---- This my dear patient, is a psychiatric institution, we assist patients like you, who need a little "special" attention ----.
"Special"... the blessed word left me with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if "special" meant scum with "special" needs.
---- Because we don't start with something easy, let's try to remember his name ---- the doctor leaned in waiting for my reaction; with certain spirits of hope. ---- Doctor, with all due respect, if I could remember shit, we wouldn't bein these, I think ---- I answered with all the frustration of a person who needs "special" attention.
---- Well there is a clue, in order to make your brain work, your last name is Gonzales, easy right? Now you just have to find out your name...----
A flash in my mind made me shake...
Muchas gracias por leer, para los que no lograron leer las anteriores aquí les dejo los enlaces:
Thank you very much for reading, for those who could not read the previous ones, here are the links:
Las Probabilidades Dictan Muerte. Enlace 1