Dear Diary,
I know that it is not normal to think about dying just because I am experiencing the worst again today, but I really can't help it. I know too that there are people out there who are facing a much worse problem than me but still continue to be optimistic, but I am having a hard time doing the same.
I can say that I am really unstable right now. One moment I am happy, then I will have this depressive thought again and end up thinking about just dying rather than experiencing what I am currently experiencing. But I am still thankful that those moments were just temporary, and I can still beat it.
I already experienced this before, but it's been a long time that already I got used to my body being strong, but then since a nasal polyp sprouted in my nose again, I became weak again, and I HATE IT! I ate a little serving of chocolate, and the next day I already had a sore throat and even caught a fever for four days. I hate this. Am I really this weak now? I remember that I was really happy before that even if I ate a lot of sweets and drank cold drinks, I'd still be okay the next day, and I never caught a cold.
But today, after getting better after four days of having the flu two weeks ago, I caught a fever again yesterday and had to take medicine for the fever. I coughed nonstop yesterday, and when I wake up today, I am having this muscle pain in my stomach because of my nonstop coughing. This is really the worst day of my life. I am just glad that my fever has already settled down. But the coughing is still here, with muscle pain in my stomach. I still feel weak because of it and run out of breath easily, even with a small walk. But I know I'll get better soon.
I just want to stop thinking negatively today and try my hardest to get better. And even though I had this depressive episode again yesterday, the urge to get better was still strong. And that is why, after clearing my mind yesterday from those negativities, I started to drink lots of water. I avoid foods that can trigger my cough. Then I gargle warm water with salt to clean my throat. I think it is effective because my cough has stopped, although I still cough every now and then. I also took medicine for a fever yesterday, and thanks heaven, I feel so much better today than yesterday.
My body today is really different from before. This is also the reason why I agreed with my mom to get a surgery and borrow money from her, even though I am so ashamed to do it. But once I get better, I know that my weak body will become strong again. Of course, with the proper diet too, and maybe some stretching? It's hard to be so negative about life, which is why I also want to help myself by getting better.
I know I will have those depressive episodes again, but I also know too that they are just temporary because, in this battle, I will make sure that it is my win and not those demons in my head. Fighting self!
