photo taken by @zakludick
At least I'm feeling a bit better than I did yesterday. I'm still licking my wounds and nursing a bruised ego, but I failed another upskilling test. The 1st was for narration and this time it was for SEO.
What am I doing wrong? Why am I not being picked to write books and why am I failing tests that I should be passing with flying colours?
I suspect it's a multitude of issues combined:
It's a shit time of year to get anything out of America or Canada because of the summer holidays, hence the reason I haven't been able to pick up a project and the pickings are so slim.
Maybe I'm exuding desperation and it's coming across in my requests (although I'm using the same wording for requesting orders that has brought me success in the past.
For the upskilling tests, maybe I'm setting myself up for failure and not listening to what my mental health is trying to tell me.
I've been trying to wean myself up and down on the new medication and I have finally had to admit defeat. It's not working for me. At least not at the high dose the Dr was hoping to wean me onto.
When I submitted my SEO assignment on Tuesday last week, I was at full panic stations and proceeded to have a complete mental breakdown, including unbearable pain, that had me sitting up until 3am. I'm looking externally for other people or circumstances for me to push the blame onto... but I think I set myself up for failure.
I knew I wasn't ready for the test, but I went ahead and applied anyway, and then freaked out because I didn't understand the work properly. I tried to cram and then added an unrealistic deadline.
I just so badly wanted to magically pass... but if I'm being honest with myself... I made stupid mistakes. I didn't proof read my submission properly and I submitted broken links. Ideally and under normal circumstances, I never would have submitted something with so many typos and broken links. What was I thinking? Well, honestly, I don't think I was thinking. At least, not in a healthy way.
I got the notice yesterday that I hadn't made it. That I failed. The feedback I got was actually really positive, all things considered, and I have been encouraged to try again.
But I was angry... and disappointed... and looking for things to blame.
I contacted my Dr last week and we agreed that the new meds are not working for me and are sending me into panic mode - increasing my insomnia and depression, which is exactly the opposite of what I need.
This photo was taken by @zakludick and I know he's used it before for one of the photography competitions here on the platform. I remember looking at it for the first time and thinking: well, that's a pretty accurate depiction of what I am doing with my whole life. Seeing monsters in the dark... Scary things in the shadows. This, believe it or not, is just the shadow of my microphone stand.
I am trying so hard... but perhaps I'm trying too hard and hurting myself and those I love in the process.
Perhaps I need to take a step back and breathe.
And be kind to myself...
Instead of trying to force things... just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.
I'll let you know how that goes ❤️