I actually can't tell you why I'm more angry. Because I was lied to again, because I'm back fighting for my rights with completely immoral employers or because I let myself fall back into this trap out of desperation.
I'm beyond spent. Exhausted. Tired to the bone. My body is reacting physically and my symptoms are really starting to worry me. The repercussions of constant panic can be devastating. If I'm not careful, I'm going to be on my way to hypertension. They say a panic attack feels like a heart atravk but it's not, so you shouldn't worry, but really, if you have enough of them and your body releases cortisol and adrenaline in such large doses, eventually your heart, arteries and kidneys are going so suffer. Stress kills. So how do I stop stressing about stressing?
In my previous few posts, I was so full of hope at the prospect of being able to truly and meaningfully contribute financially to our household as we look towards our dream wedding, putting kids through university, paying off debts and purchasing our own home. More than that... Just a bit of breathing room l. We have dreams, you know. That go beyond affording cheese and petrol And with all the heartache we've had this year, I opened myself up and dared to dream. I took a risk. 8beent to the interview and landed the job instantly. Their over eagerness to hire me should have been a red flag, but my broken soul so despitately wanted to see it as affirmation that I'm not useless. And I took another punch that I just simply couldn't afford. Not financially, not physically, and not emotionally or psychologically. I am broken.
I just barely started to rebuild myself when I was invited for the interview and I fell for them, hook, line and sinker.
My new bosses have shown their true colours to be pedantic, narcissistic, spoilt, and completely selfish human beings who are quite happy to treat anyone they see as less than themselves as completely disposable. You know you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat service staff and their unwillingness to tip restaurant staff or the Uber delivery guy or how they shouted at the cleaning staff should have all been red flags.
That I was not allowed to meet with or receive training from the lady who had been in my position for eight months...
that I was lied to about staff turnover...
all massive red flags that I just ran past at the romantic idea that somehow, the universe had turned and had decided to give us a break.
After everything... after holding on by a thread.
Was it too much to ask?
Was I really so naïve to allow myself to believe there were still decent people out there?
On Monday, I find myself in a performance review (during a fixed-term contract, which is incontractual under SA labour Law). I saw it coming though as I was warned that they did this to the previous lady who unfortunately had no HR or Labour Law experience. I've watched them calculate and try to remove duties from me in order to prove my incompetence. Funny that I redid my online training as instructed on Friday, and even though I could not log in for half of it due to loadshedding and was incredibly ill, I still scored 95%.
It is clear that I am not the problem.
The lady before me has taken them to labour court, the lady before that attempted suicide and the lady before that, who works for one of the other doctors at the hospital has refused to work with them ever again. If I'd known all this, I would not have taken the job.
I would have finished my ghostwriting entry exam and I would have been earning from home by now. I feel I've completely wasted two months of my life that I'll never get back. I have also ruined my relationship with the recruitment agency and I've completely embarrassed myself in front of my incredible previous employers who all went the extra mile to ensure I landed what I called my dream job.
I am humiliated. Exhausted, and on top of it all, very sick. I ended up with a severe infection that, after 9 hours over two days of waiting in government hospital queues (the 1st day I was sent home without being seen at all due to overcrowding) that finally led me to being administered intravenous antibiotics to treat a severe kidney and respiratory infection. With a blood pressure reading of 159 over 90, there is a clear indication that I am killing myself to live. While all this was going on and I was struggling to breathe in the queue at the day hospital, I was receiving messages from my boss telling me that he was unhappy with my performance. How can you do that while someone is in hospital?
I have sought legal assistance and I know my case is strong, but I can't help but sit here in anger and fear, knowing that I was once again taken for a complete fool.
I will try to rest now, and take my medication, and calm my mind and cuddle the cats and love my children and try to stop taking my frustration and sadness and feelings of inadequacy out on my partner... but I would love to know when I will have a chance to fucking breathe. I feel like I've been running on crisis mode for 8 months and I don't think I have any fight left in me. I haven't even been able to grieve.
I'm tired. I feel like a failure. I feel like I constantly disappoint my family, especially my partner and that hurts me so much. I am desperately trying so hard to hold on to hope.
The only hope I have is that no matter what, I will not be returning to work for these assholes after Monday. They will not receive an atom more of my soul or a millisecond time.
May I be successful to the point that they are never allowed to treat an employee like this ever again.
please say a little prayer for me.
I swore to myself that no one would be able to put the wool over my eyes again, and after my last CCMA battle, I was determined that no one would ever have access to my loyalty or work ethic for the purpose of abuse ever again.
As I put on my armour again, please think of me. I need all the help I can get.
Please feel free to drop your story in the comments if you relate or even just pop me a little encouragement. I could do with a little love right now
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
