It's 4h35 in the morning. I've been here before. I've been startled from my sleep... by what, is irrelevant.
I know in my mind that it would be better to get up and get going with my day than to try to force myself to sleep... but the rain and the coldness outside the bed has me squeezing my eyes shut and forcing myself back to sleep.
It's not enough time for a tranquillizer, I realize as I battle with myself and the conscious world.
Raggedly, I slip down the waterfall to sleep, catching soft flesh on hard and sharp edges, whimpering as I descend....
Back in time ....
Its 2000. I'm broken and dying. My heart, my soul and my will to live have been ripped from me by the wolves that came to feast. They came while there was no watchman or woman to chase them away, while I had no chance and no way of running and nowhere to hide.
They saw me; young, impressionable, filled with bottomless love and forgiveness... tenderness and sheer ignorance. I was a hopelessly easy target.
To him I say:
"It was especially easy for the others, the ones that came after you. They were worse than you, even more cruel and unkind.
But It was you. You laid the trap when I was discarded like an item of trash. After you coerced me into sex that I was not ready for, with promises of love.
It was the day before Valentines day that you told me. You told me I wasn't enough. I had not even turned 15 yet. That was the day. The day the dark year started.
I still beat myself up to this day. I should have known better. My mother warned me about boys like you.
When you told me you loved me, but didn't believe I loved you; because I would not let you have me, I remember flying into a rage. I knew you were manipulating me. I remember knowing.. being smart enough... being brave enough... and giving you the last bit of fight I had left. I asked you "How Dare You?!" I made you leave.
But you came back and you begged. You said please.
With roses and starlight kisses, a romantic dinner you made for two. Candles and a bed layed out in the yard.
I gave you what you asked for.
Without understanding the price I would pay.
That day the first wolf came, and took my life away.
After days, weeks, months and years... I learned to tuck the pain away... but some nights I wake up screaming, shaking, crying, forgetting where I am, or that the time has long past. I wish I could forgive you, but I can't. You were only the first wolf, but you certainly weren't the last.
You left the door open, you see.... made it easy for them to find me. Told them I was already broken and dying. They wouldn't even need to try.
And you were right.
They came...
And they all took a bite...
And you stood on the sidelines and smiled. A crooked evil smile. Because at least you got there 1st.
I wish I could forgive you but all I can think of, whenever you cross my mind, is how I wish one day you'd have a daughter. And you'd be paralyzed by fear. You'd do anything to protect her and you'd smell when the wolves were near. That you'd be willing to fight to the death for her and you'd finally understand.
The price I paid so you could make me, second hand."