Most of us have come across this concept many times, but when we're in the weeds, it's difficult to gain perspective and notice what we're going through.
Source
So I finished my last free session of therapy at Hope House on Tuesday and it left me feeling very... incomplete. Look, it's a free service, but 8 sessions is just not enough. I need someone more permanent and long term and I probably need a proper psych evaluation. Getting anything like that done through South African Government Health is a nightmare... so I guess I'll put it in the pile with needing to go for a gynae checkup and the dentist.
I realized, after talking to my therapist and my wonderful partner @zakludick who has been an incredible sounding board, that I am actually grieving the loss of a version of me.
I have been so wrapped up in the trauma, anger, and loss of the last year that I haven't been able to untangle what is going on with me.
I think I'm honestly having a midlife crisis. It's so cliché and I've been trying to avoid admitting it, but here I am.
I have been finding myself looking back so much. I have been trying to claw my way back to the versions of me before the injury, before my dad's death and before I lost my permanent job, but I think - if I am going to find peace - I need to stop fighting for what is gone.
Of course, I'm going to recite the serenity prayer here because it's super relevant:
So, after causing myself a lot of pain and trying to turn myself into a pretzel, trying to control things that are beyond me: like various insurance companies that I've been trying to claim from for over a year and the clusterfuck of bureaucracy for each, or what medical care is available to me, or what it means for me career-wise to be permanently disabled, to coping with chronic pain and managing my mental health while really coming to grips with the fact that I have permanent clinical/ major depression. I can't change or force any of these things to be different.
I can check on my insurance claims once a week (thanks @zakludick for helping me write these things down) but obsessing about them daily, calling call centers, and repeating my story over and over again (because you never ever get the same agent) and having constant panic attacks is eating me alive. I have to let go.
We've set out a budget for what I need to cover, including my medication, which I am constantly stressed about... and worked out that between what I earn here on ecency and one or two other places where I receive a small monthly income, I am actually ok. I'm not great, or growing or saving, but I am covered. And that is a relief. I've honestly not done a budget since December last year because frankly I've been hiding from reality. I hate admitting when I'm wrong, especially when I know logically that writing things down helps. But it took Zak actually forcing me to sit down and hash it out for me to actually do it. And magically, I do feel better, now that I know what the facts are. Instead of going round and round in circles like a hamster caught in the wheel, I now know where am and I can figure out my next steps.
Grieving Versions of Myself and Accepting the New Me
I've been avoiding spending time with my friends or even being creative because I've been operating in survival mode. I also don't know who I am anymore and trying to find perspective has been really hard. That's not healthy in the long term.
I am not the woman I was... so who am I?
Perhaps, instead of trying desperately to get back what is gone, I need to look at who I am now and spend some time getting to know the new Claire.
Accepting myself for what I am and then seeing if there are opportunities for growth is my path now. And It's going to be more of a journey than a task to complete.
I always preach to everyone that the only constant in life is change, but I haven't been practicing what I preach.
I have been trying out for new niches in my writing portfolio and I have been active here every day. That's a start to self improvement and using my time wisely to grow instead of using all my energy to panic.
Lets see how long I can keep this up and how I manage as I go along. It will be an adventure for sure.
Who knows. Maybe this new Claire isn't so bad. Maybe I just need to give her a chance and get to know her.