I don't really know what's going on, and there's a lot of woowoo talk about retrogrades and stuff, but man is life just insanely stressful right now. I've got to the point where I'm casting aside any inhibitions I may have had about spirituality or essential oils and most evenings, poor @zakludick comes home to find me smothered in a selection of really weird smells, full of pain meds and bundled up under my duvet with a hot water bottle and a cat (or two).
The truth is, I'm struggling. I have so much grief... and anger... and anxiety about the future that most of the time, I do not know where to even start in the healing process. I don't know what I should be doing 1st.
I am in therapy, thank God, and the EMDR treatments are going well, but I have already come to the end of my 12 sessions, and right now, I'll have to go back on the waiting list if I want more. It is a non-profit organization after all and there are so many people out there struggling. Also, I won't be seeing the same counselor as my current one is moving back to Kenya. Changing counselors is exhausting and I think that's why it's taken me so long to request this last set of sessions. I feel like I've shared my whole lie with her, and the idea of starting again is just unfathomable. And we're really making good progress. I felt this way about my 1st set of counseling sessions at Hope House. I felt very sad... and like the business at hand was left unfinished. But, on the other hand, both sets of sessions definitely had a massive effect on my mental health, have taught me some incredible things about myself, and have helped me lean into healthier coping mechanisms by allowing myself to grieve, be angry, and feel safe while rebuilding trust with myself.
I have to believe that the death of our family cat, my father, his brother, the news of permanent disability, and my retrenchment have all happened almost simultaneously in order to cause some kind of hard reset.
A very similar thing happened to me just a few months before I met Zak, where I lost my grandmother, the asshat I was seeing at the time broke up with me (actually he just totally ghosted me), I was hit by an 18-wheeler truck (see the main image of this post) and I lost my job. At the end of the day, my job was killing me, I wasn't spending enough time with my son and I was so obsessed with finding a partner that I kept falling for the most unhealthy men I could possibly find. It's like the universe or God took a look at me and was like, shewee, YOU need a direction change. At the time, of course, I had no idea what the fuck I had done to deserve so much in just a matter of weeks, but in hindsight, I can look back at meeting Zak 4 months later, reviving my music after 20 years, gaining two more children, moving into my dream home.... I just wouldn't be anywhere near this if I hadn't gone through that hard reset.
Honestly, it's very difficult to see out of the hole I've dug myself... possibly because I keep shoveling. But, I'm trying to remember my life, and what I've already survived and I'm trying to remind myself that this may just be the start of something new.
In losing my job recently, I can now focus on that ghostwriting gig I've been eyeing and work from home, I've been blessed with rest, which has seen almost total healing in my right knee, (although there is no change at all on the left, where I can expect t experience dislocations until I'm old enough for a knee replacement). I can be there for my kids far more than I could when my awful boss was draining every ounce of energy from me and, of course, I have more time for my music.
Being creative in this state is very hard. Even posting is hard. I try to be a little productive every day and studying is really helping with that. To be immersed in something that is helping me to develop my skills in something I'm passionate is just wonderful.
In my times of exhaustion or overwhelm, I've learned not to push myself. Anyone who has been through what I have in the last few months would be shattered and I have to let myself have down days. That's the time I do my best to be kind to myself. To meditate, pray, count my blessings and express gratitude.
I'm nowhere near perfect at the process yet, and sometimes I still find myself caught in the hamster wheel of anxiety.... spinning negative thoughts around and around and around...Even anger, fear, and anxiety are valid emotions and I have to experience them. Even if they feel awful. the reality is that much of the stuff I've experienced is going to take lot more time, and therapy to deal with. And that's ok. The trick is to not get stuck there.
I have some beautiful people around me who've been massively supportive, and without them, I would be lost. My children, my close friends, my mother, and most importantly my incredible partner have been loving me through it all and for that, I have enormous grattitude.
Let's hope, in a month from now, Mommy's Mental Health, chapter 27, will be filled with good news, hope for the future and love. Thank you to those of you who've been following my story and my mental health posts. You can head on over here Mommy's Mental Health: 25th Chapter summary and celebration 💜 to read all the past entries, if you've missed anything. Sharing everything from eating disorders, to motherhood to ADHD has been personally scary, but also immensely rewarding, especially when I make connections with people who relate.
You know what they say...
Shine your little weirdo light as brightly as you can, so that the other weirdos know where to find you <3
