✦ It's been a while since I've talked about Minino Calico here. The photos you will see are of things that happened last month. The text under the photos refer to a story from a few years ago, between 2018 and 2020, I have a hard time remembering it clearly, so excuse the inconsistencies, this is a delicate subject for me I'm tired of it ✦
No sé cuántas veces he escrito y descartado notas sobre mininos, porque los gatos se han convertido en un tema incomodo para mi. No me malinterpreten por favor, amo mucho a los gatos, y hoy día sigo cuidando varias mascotas comunitarias junto varios gentiles vecinos (principalmente comprando alimento y guardándolos en casa el tiempo que me lo permitan cuando llueve o hace demasiado calor).
I don't know how many times I've written and discarded posts about kitties, because cats have become an uncomfortable subject for me. Please don't get me wrong, I love cats very much, and today I still take care of several community pets along with several kind neighbors (mainly buying food and keeping them indoors as long as they allow me to when it rains or it's too hot).
Todo el que haya tenido la dicha de ser cuidador (no usemos la palabra dueño) de perros o gatos (o cualquier otro ser sintiente) conoce la alegría pero también la tragedia: La enfermedad, los accidentes, y finalmente la muerte de nuestros amigos peludos son acontecimientos que marcan un antes y un después en nosotros... y cada situación es diferente, así como cada pesadilla no se parece a ninguna, la configuración de lo malo que le puede pasar a tu ángel peludito puede parecer sacada de un guion de película de terror.
Anyone who has had the joy of being a caregiver (let's not use the word owner) of dogs or cats (or any other sentient being) knows the joy but also the tragedy: Illness, accidents, and finally the death of our furry friends are events that mark a before and after in us... and every situation is different, just as every nightmare is unlike any other, the configuration of the bad that can happen to your furry angel can seem taken from a horror movie script.
✦ Two weeks ago while I was away from home she went into labor. My neighbors took care of sheltering her and called an emergency vet, because the second kitten on the way could not come out. The vet had to put her under a lot of anesthesia to be able to do the procedure. As expected because of the hours in labor, the second kitten was no longer alive ✦
Hoy desperté triste, mas triste de lo "habitual" cuando me atacan pensamientos intrusivos que contienen recuerdos difusos sobre algo que quisiera que hubiera sido eso, un mal sueño. Este es un tema que evito con todas mis fuerzas y que cuando es mencionado en mi entorno es de las pocas teclas que hace que me paralice. Sé que tengo que ir al medico, y hablar con un especialista, que este tipo de cosas no se superan sola. Pero no me siento lista, es muy pronto, aunque al mismo tiempo se siente que fue hace 5 años, también se siente que fue la semana pasada.
Today I woke up sad, sadder than "usual" when I am attacked by intrusive thoughts containing fuzzy memories about something I wish it had been just that, a bad dream. This is a subject I avoid with all my might and when it is mentioned in my environment it is one of the few keystrokes that makes me freeze. I know I have to go to the doctor, and talk to a specialist, that this kind of thing does not go away on its own, but I don't feel ready, it's too soon, although at the same time it feels like 5 years ago, it also feels like last week.
La verdad sea dicha, he perdido la capacidad de percibir el tiempo correctamente desde que eso pasó. Por eso desaparezco por semanas o meses, y luego aparezco y aparentemente soy activa y super conversadora. He intentado pasar la pagina y hacer catarsis, pero cuando mientras escribes relatando lo que te paso rompes en llanto, te falta el aire y te revienta una migraña rompe cráneo, desahogarte en un sitio al que otras personas tengan acceso a eso se siente como ponerte en una posición peligrosamente vulnerable.
Truth be told, I've lost the ability to perceive time correctly since that happened. That's why I disappear for weeks or months, and then I show up and apparently I'm active and super chatty. I've tried to turn the page and do catharsis, but when as you write about what happened to you you break down in tears, get short of breath and get a skull-cracking migraine, venting on a site that other people have access to that feels like putting yourself in a dangerously vulnerable position.
✦ The next day she woke up and walked around a bit, refusing to eat. I was able to send some money to my neighbors and they bought more medicine and solution to hydrate her while she recovered. We were all very worried and scared because Minino Calico is an old cat that has given birth too many times and we have not been able to sterilize her in time ✦
Pero a pesar de que hoy estoy triste, también me siento un poco mas valiente, porque a veces quiero hablar de las cosas buenas que pasan por aquí (que no tiene que ver con anime, manualidades o cosplay), cosas bonitas, como las nuevas camadas de gatitos, la buena salud y como ha mejorado el hermoso pelaje de mi Dante (que va a cumplir 13 años pronto), pero no lo hago porque no me siento con el derecho de celebrar o sentirme orgullosa de nada, por haber fallado como cuidadora.
But even though I'm sad today, I also feel a bit braver, because sometimes I want to talk about the good things that happen around here (that have nothing to do with anime, crafts or cosplay), nice things, like the new litters of kittens, good health and how my Dante's beautiful fur has improved (he's turning 13 soon), but I don't do it because I don't feel I have the right to celebrate or feel proud of anything, for having failed as a caregiver.
La cosa es, que hace 3 años mas o menos (de verdad me cuesta ubicarme en espacio/tiempo) estaba pasando por una situación muy difícil (con mi familia, con mi trabajo, con mi pareja, con mi autoestima, con todo). Todo empezó a mejorar cuando conseguí un nuevo trabajo. Pero lo que mas ayudo a mi salud mental y emocional fueron los bebes de Minino Cálico, tuvo 2 hermosos gatitos y mis días se volvieron tan, pero tan brillantes; mi rutina consistió entonces en despertar, atender a los bebes, a la mamá gatuna y a mi Dante + trabajar desde casa hasta la noche. No salía y llevaba ya algunos años en una espiral solitaria, así que este era mi mundo (y era bonito, tranquilo, y seguro).
The thing is, about 3 years ago (it's really hard for me to place myself in space/time) I was going through a very difficult situation (with my family, with my job, with my partner, with my self-esteem, with everything). Everything started to improve when I got a new job. But what helped my mental and emotional health the most were Minino Calico's babies, he had 2 beautiful kittens and my days became so, so bright; my routine then consisted of waking up, taking care of the babies, the cat mom and my Dante + working from home until the evening. I didn't go out and had been in a lonely spiral for a few years now, so this was my world (and it was nice, quiet, and safe).
✦ The first kitten survived, the doctor said she was a female and that she was healthy, strong and perfect. That made us very happy. My neighbors and I came to an agreement that they would take care of them until I returned to my house, which is normally where we keep Calico when she gives birth with her babies, until they are old enough to be adopted ✦
Un día muy temprano por la mañana (aun no había salido el sol), cuando los gatitos creo que apenas alcanzarían el tercer mes de nacidos, no estaban en la cesta donde siempre estaban con su mama. Sentí que el estomago se me caía al suelo, me los habían robado. Alguien entro a mi casa y se los robo durante la madrugada.
One day very early in the morning (the sun had not yet risen), when the kittens, I think they were barely three months old, were not in the basket where they were always with their mother. I felt my stomach drop to the floor, they had been stolen. Someone broke into my house and stole them during the early hours of the morning.
Sabia que me los habían robado y sabia quién fue, pero no tenía pruebas y entré en desesperación. Pedí socorro a mis vecinos, a los vigilantes, incluso los jardineros, la junta de condominio donde resido también me ayudo, también pedí socorro por los grupos de venta de las residencias donde vivo. Todos me ayudaron a buscarlos por horas pero también todos me decían lo mismo: Que era obvio quien me los había robado.
I knew they had been stolen and I knew who did it, but I had no proof and I became desperate. I asked for help to my neighbors, to the security guards, even the gardeners, the condominium board where I live also helped me, I also asked for help from the sales groups of the residences where I live. They all helped me to look for them for hours but they all told me the same thing: That it was obvious who had stolen them.
✦ These photos are from yesterday! The baby was baptized as Emma, her fur is very pretty and like her mom, she is a three colored kitten. I will try to convince my mom to keep her. Today she is 12 days old ✦
Esa tarde cuando vi que no aparecía ni rastro de ellos (suponiendo que fuera que la gata los cambio de lugar y yo no busque bien), tuve intensión (cuando recobre algo de compostura) de llamar a la policía para poder entrar en la casa del ladrón (si, el psicópata era vecino), pero este era un caso especial porque el ladrón era menor de edad, y supuestamente, tiene un tipo de autismo; es una persona conocida de la comunidad por torturar animales, mucho vecinos tienen historias espantosas donde lo encontraban en pleno acto de perforarle los ojos a animales pequeños, incluso 2 vecinas me comentaron cómo él cuando tenia entre 6 y 7 años, había robado los gatitos de las gatas que ellas cuidaban, y los enterraba vivos o dentro de latas, en montículos de arena o jardines de otros vecinos.
That afternoon when I saw that there was no trace of them (assuming that the cat moved them and I didn't look well), I had the intention (when I regained some composure) to call the police to enter the thief's house (yes, the psychopath was a neighbor), but this was a special case because the thief was a minor, and supposedly, he has a type of autism; he is a person known in the community for torturing animals, many neighbors have frightening stories where they found him in the act of piercing the eyes of small animals, even 2 neighbors told me how he, when he was between 6 and 7 years old, had stolen the kittens of the cats they took care of, and buried them alive or inside cans, in sand piles or other neighbors' gardens.
Es decir, lo que me pasó a mi era una historia repetida, pero en aquel entonces nadie hizo nada al respecto "porque era solo un niño y no era grave", también me entere que los padres eran negligentes y siempre negaban las denuncias que todos los vecinos les hacían: Que el "niño" torturaba y mataba animales, que se metía en casas ajenas sin permiso (doy fe de que eso es cierto porque cuando recién me mude aquí en 2016, varias veces lo encontré en medio de mi sala o al pie de las escaleras, un completo desconocido en mi casa a plena luz del dia o de la noche, fue espeluznante, pero todos me decían que "pobrecito, no sabe lo que hace, es inofensivo, es inocente").
I mean, what happened to me was a repeated story, but at that time nobody did anything about it "because he was just a kid and it wasn't serious", I also found out that the parents were negligent and always denied the complaints that all the neighbors made to them: That the "child" was torturing and killing animals, that he was breaking into other people's houses without permission (I attest that this is true because when I just moved here in 2016, several times I found him in the middle of my living room or at the bottom of the stairs, a complete stranger in my house in broad daylight or at night, it was creepy, but everyone told me that "poor thing, he doesn't know what he is doing, he is harmless, he is innocent").
✦ Emma spends all day sleeping, she is a very quiet kitty and meows only when she is hungry. She also meows very softly when she is cuddled. She has been very well behaved. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't cry loudly because the kittens' crying triggers a horrible anxiety in me ✦
El tema de los menores de edad con "circunstancias especiales" es delicado en el país, la ley los protege demasiado y la gente aquí, tiende a idealizar a las personas con problemas mentales "como seres sin malicia" (las circunstancias no estaban precisamente a mi favor ni de los mininos para obtener justicia). En fin, por los antecedentes del "joven" sabia que tenia que apurarme y hacer presión para recuperar a los bebes. Al final bajo amenazas de llamar a la policía y la presión y ayuda de todos mis vecinos y familia, apareció uno de los bebes, solo uno... y al tercer día del robo, el padre de la bestia (porque esa cosa no se puede llamar persona) se lo llevo lejos, a otra zona de la ciudad con otro familiar, sin dar la cara ni decirme que paso con el otro bebé.
The issue of minors with "special circumstances" is a delicate one in this country, the law protects them too much and people here tend to idealize people with mental problems "as beings without malice" (the circumstances were not exactly in my favor nor in the minors' favor to obtain justice). Anyway, because of the "young man's" background, I knew I had to hurry and push to get the babies back. In the end, under threats of calling the police and the pressure and help of all my neighbors and family, one of the babies appeared, just one... and on the third day of the robbery, the father of the beast (because that thing cannot be called a person) took him far away, to another area of the city with another relative, without showing his face or telling me what happened to the other baby.
Muchas personas siguieron ayudándome en la búsqueda, los días siguientes fueron pesados, demasiado densos, deje de hablar en voz alta, quede semi muda y en un estado letárgico. Sentí que algo en mi se rompió. Me habían robado uno de mis gatitos bebés y quien sabe cuantas horas de tortura y sufrimiento paso antes de que lo mataran. Y la culpa, la culpa me comía viva, porque pensaba en las mil y una cosas que pude hacer para evitarlo o todas las formas y maneras en que esto había sido mi culpa. Antes del robo, fui vista como una persona indolente por no querer a ese psicópata cerca de mi casa, porque no quise seguirle sus juegos o porque no quería verlo cerca de mis vecinos pequeños (porque encima de todo, también tiene antecedentes de conductas sexuales y juegos inadecuados con niños muy pequeños).
Many people continued to help me in my search, the following days were heavy, too dense, I stopped speaking out loud, I was semi mute and in a lethargic state. I felt something in me break. One of my baby kittens had been stolen and who knows how many hours of torture and suffering passed before it was killed. And the guilt, the guilt ate me alive, because I thought of the thousand and one things I could have done to prevent it or all the ways and means this had been my fault. Before the robbery, I was seen as an indolent person for not wanting that psychopath near my house, because I didn't want to play along with his games or because I didn't want to see him near my small neighbors (because on top of everything else, he also has a history of sexual behavior and inappropriate play with very young children).
Pero al parecer, basto con que lo dejara acercarse UNA SOLA VEZ a visitar a los gatitos, una única vez en que pensé "quizá soy demasiado dura, quizá a cambiado y solo quiere verlos... quizá soy una persona prejuiciosa", pero solo basto esa vez para que ingeniara la manera de llevárselos, de las muy pocas ocasiones en que la cesta de los mininos no estaba a mi lado.
But apparently, it was enough that I let him come ONCE to visit the kittens, a single time when I thought "maybe I am too hard, maybe he has changed and only wants to see them... maybe I'm a prejudiced person", but it only took that one time for him to figure out a way to take them away, one of the very few occasions when the kitty basket was not next to me.
✦ Many moons have passed but I still find it hard to look Calico in the face. Sometimes when we are alone I talk to her and ask her for forgiveness, and tell her that I am sorry I didn't take better care of them ✦
Recuerdo mucho pero a la vez recuerdo poco. Tengo memorias del inicio y el final de esos días espantosos pero tengo imágenes difusas de lo que paso en medio. Solo recuerdo que gritaba mucho y que me faltaba el aire, que me dolía el estomago y que no me podía parar del suelo cuando lloraba. No soy la misma persona desde entonces, no me siento igual, no siento el mundo igual, me siento aletargada emocionalmente, ya no sufro picos de euforia, y tampoco picos de tristeza extrema, es como estar en un perpetuo estado de "equilibrio o contención".
I remember a lot but at the same time I remember little. I have memories of the beginning and the end of those dreadful days but I have fuzzy images of what happened in between. I only remember screaming a lot and being short of breath, my stomach hurting and not being able to get up from the floor when I cried. I am not the same person since then, I do not feel the same, I do not feel the world the same, I feel emotionally lethargic, I no longer suffer peaks of euphoria, nor peaks of extreme sadness, it is like being in a perpetual state of "balance or containment".
Crees que hay cosas sagradas pero realmente no las hay, crees que algo tan pequeño y dulce, en completo estado de indefensión será querido y cuidado, o al menos respetado, pero no. Ya no creo en la inocencia de los niños y mucho menos el de este tipo de personas (sin importar su edad o sexo). A veces temo caer en expresiones prejuiciosas o discursos de odio, y se que que 1 sola persona no define a un grupo entero, pero diablos, en mi vida esta no es la primera vez que alguien "con esas características" me lastima a mi o a mi entorno cercano.
You think there are sacred things but there really aren't, you think that something so small and sweet, in a complete state of defenselessness will be loved and cared for, or at least respected, but no. I no longer believe in the innocence of children, let alone that of such people (regardless of their age or sex). Sometimes I fear to fall into prejudiced expressions or hate speeches, and I know that 1 single person does not define a whole group, but hell, in my life this is not the first time that someone "with those characteristics" hurts me or my close environment.
Hoy sentí la urgencia de hablar con alguien sobre esto, pero a la vez no quiero hablar con nadie, porque las personas hacen preguntas y Dios sabe que yo obvie en esta nota todas las partes horridas de esa injusticia, quizá apenas conté un 15% de lo que paso, y no quiero responder preguntas, no estoy lista.
Today I felt the urge to talk to someone about this, but at the same time I don't want to talk to anyone, because people ask questions and God knows I left out all the horrible parts of that injustice in this note, maybe I only told 15% of what happened, and I don't want to answer questions, I'm not ready.
Aquello fue la gota que derramo el vaso en muchos sentidos para mi. La vida no se siente igual. Incluso mi manera de hablar y expresarme se ha atrofiado a partir de ese acontecimiento. Quisiera regresar el tiempo y hacer las cosas mejor. Quisiera explicarles a mis amigos por qué desaparecí ese año. Quisiera justicia por mi bebé, y quisiera no sentir este rencor y odio tan feo y oscuro.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back in many ways for me. Life doesn't feel the same. Even my way of speaking and expressing myself has atrophied since that event. I would like to go back in time and do things better. I would like to explain to my friends why I disappeared that year. I would like justice for my baby, and I would like to not feel this ugly, dark resentment and hatred.
Escribí y borre tantas veces esta catarsis que no tengo idea de qué numero es esta, pero se que es la mas escueta (comprendo si algunas cosas no se entienden, estoy muy cansada). Hoy quisiera solo concentrarme en cuidar a la nueva bebé de Minino Cálico, pero la paranoia y los nervios me tienen exhausta.
I wrote and deleted so many times this catharsis that I have no idea what number this is, but I know it is the most awkward one (I understand if some things are not understood, I am very tired). Today I would just like to concentrate on taking care of Minino Cálico's new baby, but paranoia and nerves have me exhausted.
📷 Herramientas: Lumix Panasonic DMC-FH2/Smartphone 📷
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💌 ¿Deseas ponerte en contacto conmigo? Tesmoforia 🍓#8715 💌
✨ Translation done with Deepl ✨