Stepping into the Unknown

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Walking through the streets of Amsterdam, the one thing that caught my attention time and time again was the elegant entrances to some of the buildings.

What goes on behind those doors?

Doorways that lead to the lives of strangers, all experiencing life - love and happiness, joy and laughter, sadness and tears, emotions we all deal with while doing this job of living.

Seeing these doors was kind of symbolic of how I've had to walk through many doors these past few months ~~with no one holding my hand~~, not knowing what lies on the other side.

Many of us who have life partners, will one day have to step through that doorway alone. How we deal with it, differs from person to person, as @fionasfavourites spoke of when she wrote about Different people. Different grief.

How did I feel when I received that phone call from the surgeon? Disbelief, shock, and denial!

Stepping through the first door; having to call loved ones, and more so our sons, was the hardest of them all. Somehow I found the strength to push that heavy door, and carry on.

In the beginning, I felt numb, and in denial, at times thinking it only was a nightmare, and that he would be back. How is it possible that someone who has been by my side for the past fifty years is suddenly gone?

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, half-asleep, and reach out to check if he's okay, and not having a hypoglycemic episode. The realization would jolt me awake, and I'd be tossing and turning till I finally fell asleep. Thankfully that is not happening as often, so that is one tiny little step forward.

Waking up in the early hours of the morning and seeing his pillows perfectly fluffed up and his side of the bed still smooth, is just awful.

Then the real nightmares began where I wake up sobbing, and then wonder if I will ever cope! Those are bad, and sets the tone for the day!

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Some say I was 'lucky' to have had him so long!

Yes, he was a diabetic from the age of 8, and he had seven decades under his belt, a fact many did not believe as he looked way younger. Despite his health fading, he had a zest for life and told our son he was determined to get better after the surgery, and that he was looking forward to our trip in the Netherlands.
That is where I now find myself, except I had to fly solo!

I'll let you into a secret; I printed his flight itinerary, placed it in my bag along with a nice photo of him, and one of his handkerchiefs, something he always had in his pocket; and packed his passport into my luggage. I was too afraid to carry his passport in my bag, in case they locked me up, thinking I was smuggling passports!

Back to the reality of this immense loss, stupid things make me burst into tears, like wanting to check if I have his glucose jellies in my bag when going out. I did this for almost 50 years so it's kind of ingrained in me. I used to say that I would not miss the hypoglycemic episodes if he were to go before me, now I say I would rather deal with them and still have him here!

'Going it alone' still is very new to me and will take a long time to get used to.

Those 'first' times - visiting friends and family and walking into familiar places we frequented together for the first time, are very difficult.
Beautiful memories come flooding back, but the one I love is gone, and nothing can change it!

That truth, above everything else, is the most difficult thing to accept!

Thankfully, once through that doorway, the love of friends and family, and knowing they miss my darling man too, lessen the immense sense of sadness.

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Another doorway that I've had to cross has been that of dealing with finances alone; changing debit orders for necessary bills, with the big stumbling block in many instances being...

We cannot change banking details without the signature of the Executor!

...who will be me, after a long battle, but the appointment is still to happen! I now have to make sure I do manual payments each month for some service providers.

A word of advice to all my friends, young and old:

Make sure you have an up-to-date Will, especially if there's property involved.

And...

Stay clear of big corporate Estate Administrators, especially if you live in SA.

They will be very kind when you report the death of your loved one, but once it gets to the nitty gritty, and there is no money in your estate, but only assets, they will politely demand all costs upfront, or offer you terms like paying those high costs over a very short period, or tell you they will not force you, but...you can opt to sell your home! The executor will be of their choice, and will have the final say, which means your home could be sold for next to nothing; likely to a buddy of the administrator!

I've had to step through many doors, leading me to unknown places, but am grateful for the love and support of family and friends, even though they can never replace the one I chose to walk with till the day we part.

That day sadly, arrived way sooner than I ever expected!