It's very common these days to have to work from home because the pandemic has been unforgiving, and we've had to make do with any extra source of income during these difficult times. But even though it's over and employers are freaking out about their employees' lack of control, trying various ways to control what they do and don't do at home with their productivity metrics and spyware, here are some essential items for working from the comfort of your home and ensuring productivity for your boss.
A scary giant black cat that growls randomly to scare off any hidden cameras connected to your work software.
smoke, lots of smoke, which is good if you smoke cigarettes or joints, even incense will do. If he complains, you tell him the house was on fire, so there was no way to deliver it five seconds in advance.
a grimoire of labor curses. With every lecture given on the power of motivation or willpower, with every unnecessary meeting forcing artificial intelligence down your throat, or overtime worked without pay, the grimoire automatically issues curses of back pain and scratchy throats to the guilty parties. - a pack of candy to throw at your boss every time you see him to stop him from messing around, and if he continues, throw used toilet paper.
a holy water spray or cleansing bath if you have a hybrid job and still have to go into the office, so you can throw it at annoying clients to purge the demons of impossible requests from them.
a Gothic cross, black makeup, and poorly painted nails with thigh-high boots because it's stylish work attire and perfectly portrays your soullessness.
and finally, a locked box to contain your computer and after-hours business phone with a signal blocker, so you can say you've been kidnapped every time someone asks for something off-duty.
And that's it for today, folks. I hope your most terrible wishes come true. They're free from guilt, pity, or shame, just greed, terror, and lust, oh yeeeeeeah.
Off-character: I know it's early and Halloween is just at 31'st of the month but the freedom of October's terror is consuming me, ignore it.
