This week I have been away from home, and it actually a bit frustrating. It is frustrating because it messes with my perception of time, and on top of that it completely ruins my already fragile routine.
You know how a person always this idea of "if only this, then I will do that." I am pretty sure I have that in spades, every moment of my day seems to be calculated in such a fashion... I guess it is called procrastination. It seems more than that though. The smallest task or thing that might require me to focus gets measured in how ideal the moment is for it.
Add on top of that not being home or in an environment I control then I am like a deer in headlights.
Which seems so illogical to me because I will still spend time watching some stupid show for hours but when I think oh you should maybe write a little something, heck do 10 pushups, or continue with some of the bootcamps you like to go on or just do something remotely productive. Then my brain does it's stupid calculation and I am back to "It is not the right time" or some other retarded reason.
Fortunately I am heading home tomorrow, and I am only writing this to try and stick it to my mind a bit. I do get to the point where I am sick enough of the stupid behaviour that I just jump in and do the things I want to do regardless of the calculations.
Which is the irritating part because there isn't anything I work on that I do not like working on, nothing I play around with in a "work" capacity I do that I don't want to do. The only thing I technically hate doing is writing things , and even that is just because writing is has a cooldown period.
Hence I do try different things, by the time I am sick of the one I am recharged for the other. So I think.
Anyway so I am not home because we came down for a funeral for one of my uncles, which also has its share of socializing. It might just be a me thing, but I don't really understand why the need for the gatherings.
Personally when I pass I do not wish for anyone to notified that is not directly affected. So likely the only people that need to know are people who will naturally find out, some who I speak to always will know same day and others might know in a year. That is fine. I will just be gone and I find that comforting.
I think I can trust, given how I have trained family and all that they will be perfectly fine with my death. There will be no recounting of days gone and there will be no lingering memories I think. That would be the ideal I guess. People will do what they do and what they have been conditioned to do so there are the norms I guess.
I think people don't like the idea that death is a relief. The person did not leave you, they are just gone. I think there is a big difference in terms of emotional pain.
