I've realized as a good person, as much as i try to be I've wasted my life trying to be a good person. I've waste my life in the times I was doing things I weren't supposed to. I'm also realizing that I don't have anyone. My life has turn around for the "better", but there's a void I can't pin point where yet. The only thing that makes this is hard is I was okay being alone, I was okay not speaking to people all the time. Solitude was fine, being a loner, but not being lonely was my thing. Something I was forced in to to protect my emotions. With the support I do have, I acknowledge it, at the same time I feel like I've never been so alone in my fucking life. It's a dawning and a disappointing feeling that came over me last night. I had to take a big sigh and realize that I'm alone more than I've ever been. Alone being a word that feels like I can't comprehended at the moment. There are people in my life, I have really good friends, why do I feel so alone? For a person that never cared of being alone, why suddenly am I struggling with this? There are so many days I just want to give up. I feel like I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm the type of person where concepts of building another's persons company has always bothered me. I would rather want my own to build. Right now in my life has been the hardest, mentally, physically, financially. One of the few times in my life that I'm on the right track, and putting more effort more than I ever had, just to ask my self at the end id the day for what? I've walked around on this planet for so long with no purpose. The only purpose was to eat to sum it up. I'm just existing rather than living my life. A huge part of it has been many things in my life. it feels like at the end of the day when the curtains close, it's just me and my thoughts, the reality sets in. We tend to preoccupy our minds with other things, after those things are over, it's you and your life, the reality, your feelings. I wrote this a bit earlier and right now I was reading it and making corrections. It's starting to make sense why this is bothering me so much. I've always been a sensitive person even if people didn't know or if I ever let me see it. I think that numbing of a feeling I used to have is wearing off. That protection of feelings, that shield that has been up for so many fucking years is starting to shatter. The last 2 years have been pretty emotional. I started to realize I've become more sensitive, feeling more than before. Not that I never cared. Just certain things I just didn't give a fuck about at all. Then there are things that could calm the hulk inside of me, effortlessly. I think also when you have special people in your life that you are able to open up to, those shields start to fall off little by little. It's not bad thing. Opening up isn't a bad thing either. Sometimes it takes years and years to find the person you want to let it, sometimes decades, maybe even a whole life time. Hmm, I just feeling so alone more than ever. Which bothers me a bit. Something I was so comfortable with, solitude. Damn, I miss my cat Giovannie.
