Honestly, it takes great patience to live in Lagos. I used to think patience is not one of my virtues until I moved to Lagos. Now I think Patience is my middle name, my parents just didn't remember to add it to my list of names.
You see, Lagos traffic can humble you. You'll be seeing where you are going to but you are not reaching it . No wonder people that board public transport in Lagos are slim. Who needs a gym when you can trek to work on a heavy traffic day? Apart from teaching you how to be patient, Lagos traffic forces you to bond. That's how I boarded a bus going to work and before I arrived, I had given relationship counseling to a man who suspects his girlfriend is cheating with his pastor.
Dear men, If you want to cheat in Lagos, do not make an attempt to carry her in your car because if you get stuck in traffic, you are definitely getting caught. Women have a funny way of telling their friend that the husband is cheating.
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Once they see you, they will pick up their phone and call your wife. The conversation will go thus:
Woman in Traffic: "Merit my friend, you saw me inside this Lagos traffic and you could not even ask me to wait so you'll pick me up. Is it because your husband is the one driving?
Merit: Me? No o, you must be mistaken. I'm at home and my husband is at work.
Woman in Traffic: Why are you lying. Is your husband not driving a red SUV?
Merit: Yes! Yes that's the car he took to work.
Woman in Traffic: Are you not the one in front of the car dressed in blue with a red weavon, wearing a red lipstick and placing your left hand on his shoulders? Infact, wait let me even snap and send you a picture since you are arguing with me and click! Picture taken.
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Talking about women, we are beautiful creatures. Shout out to all beautiful women out there. If you are not beautiful, collect your shout out elsewhere.
Women go through so much to look and smell good, you'd think they never fart. They say women's fart smell more than that of men. I don't know how true it is but the last time I ate beans before attending a house fellowship, my ass released so much air, the guy that was called to lead in songs shared grace instead.
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I hardly fart and that's why it always embarrasses me. The other day at home, Ben farted and I was pissed that the sound interrupted my thought flow and I decided to retaliate. Instead of gas, I felt hot liquid with a familiar smell come out of me. It smelt like a baby's poo. Well, if it smells like poo then it's poo. So much for retaliation.
Its interesting to go to people's houses. Not to fart of cos but you think you've seen it all until a drama unfolds. I visited my pastor's wife the other day and I heard her screaming at her daughter. You are a bad girl and I will spank you now. The girl replied, "Will you spank me the way daddy spanked you last night? I heard you telling him last night, "Spank me harder baby, I've been a very bad girl. Yes, spank me". We are still trying to resuscitate the mother.
Until i come your way again, keep laughing.
This is my entry into The COMedy Rumble. I nominate 
Header image made with Canva
