Have you met my mother?
You've probably heard so many clichés about Nigerian mothers. They are a special breed. A pain in the ass as most of us see them but pain is of varying degrees and my mother is sure to win the award for the most pokenosing-never-allow-your-daughter-a-moment-of-peace mother.
With my mother, you best behave or you just might get a public disgrace. She is ready to dish it out anytime anyday regardless of the place, time and event. Her favourite quote is "An okro plant will never grow taller than its owner." Are you wondering what that means? To my mother, it means you can never be too tall or too old to be chastised by her. I have nothing wrong with being chastised but in public? C'mon.
In church I do not sit anywhere close to my mum. She sits downstairs and I sit upstairs but somehow she still manages to connect to my frequency and hear when I'm discussing. I still remember the beautiful knock she adorned my head with during a moment of sober reflection in church. It reverberated through the walls of the church and I can still see the chuckles on the faces of my friends.
When you offend my mother, do not, I repeat, do not be anywhere close to her. Make sure you are as far away as possible from her if you intend to apologize and if caught in the act, pray your heels carry you as fast as it could because my mother is a splinter. Oh! She will chase you until she catches you and you'll pay.
I often wondered if she won an award as a javelin thrower. My mother can throw anything at you once she can't reach you. To her, everything is a weapon. Her shoe, stool, stick, glasses, pillows, knife, spoon...the list is endless. Just as she learnt to throw, we also learnt to dodge. With my mother, you've just got to learn survival techniques.
You know what amazes me the most about my mother? She's good at beating with her hands and screaming with her mouth. My mother will place my head tightly in-between her thighs or under her armpit. She will be wiping my ass but she will be the one crying and shouting. Anyone that hears from outside will think I'm beating her. You'll hear words like "You'll kill me today. Beat me this girl. You think you've grown up right? You will kill me today, this girl." For goodness, I'm breathless in-between your thighs. Who is killing who???
This is why I don't like bringing friends home even though they always insist on coming. You never know when you'll offend and just imagine being the topic of discourse in the school the next day? You may wonder how I managed to keep boyfriends? Oh goodness me! It was under her strict supervision. I was never allowed to visit any guy and if any comes to my house, she makes sure she sits there when we talk. That's if she lets us talk in peace.
Although,I must confess that there are moments I loved my mother's impulsive behaviour. Like when a teacher was writing love letters to me in high school. I showed the letters to my mother. The school experienced an earthquake when my mother stepped on it.
As crazy as it may sound, my mother can beat you to the point of collapsing but no other person is allowed to lay a finger on her children. She wouldn't let any teacher, guardian or what have you lay hands on us. She's very protective.
Sometimes, I feel like Madea from the Tyler Perry's movies have something in common with my mother.
Although she may seem like a terrorist, my mother is very accomodating. If there is one reason my friends love coming to my house, it is because of her hospitality. My mother is very accommodating and very loving to visitors.
Now that I'm all grown up, I believe she did all that to make sure we were well behaved and you bet we are. I wonder if there is any Nigerian home without these types of stories.
I guess the question ought to have been, "Have you met a Nigerian mother?"
All pictures From my gallery