I've always considered my ability to arouse an interest in people to be my greatest trait.
Surviving depression of different magnitudes has taught me to always seek out the good in every situation. I guess we all have to do that now and then to make it through life's hurdles and traps.
In recent times, I have not been in my power place of 'arousing interests'. The ability to arouse has been stripped away from me due to my days and weeks of inactivity and indiscipline. I have become a shadow of my true self.
Realizing that there are things I could have done and words I could have said to make past situations and conversations better make these wounds of my stripped ability bleed and ache.
My ability to arouse interest is badly mismanaged by my inability to sustain interest. I'm like the bottle of alcohol that gets you high enough to make you sober. The joke that makes you laugh too long you get tired.
A bleeding bruise. That's what this is. The only way to escape this mental mayhem is to convert this blood loss into healing.
Seeking out the good. The good that can be derived through healing and healing alone.
I once had a burn on my right wrist. It turned black and swoll with some liquid substance inside it. It looked nasty and it hurt so bad. We popped it and watched it dry after a few days. I observed the new skin coming through, it looked to clear and beautiful. It reminded me of the skin I once had before the tan.
That's exactly what this healing I crave will resemble. Me before the tan. My heart before the ruin.
I've always sailed and cruised through life with few wants and fewer desires. The fewer they are, the more grateful I am because I always get what I want. The moment my desires become greater, I expose myself to hurt and ingratitude. I don't always get the big things, we don't all need to have the big things in life, do we?
Contentment, the mother of all failed desires. We weren't 'content' with that we had, that's why we failed to get what we truly wanted.
It is deceitful to imagine that what we want is far beyond our reach just because it surpasses what we already have.
I need to learn and unlearn. Redefine my meaning of gratitude and contentment and grow in the right direction.
