At the age of 23, I found my world being turned upside down. Not only did my father die a tragic death, but my 5 year relationship with my then fiance had fallen apart and I called our wedding off. These two people, I loved very much. This all happened within a week of one another and I was devastated! I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - my heart was broken.
Within two weeks, I had lost 20 lbs and my heart was racing so hard and fast that I could literally hear it in my head. How could I sleep with this ever-present reminder of my broken heart? It was like living in Edgar Allen Poe's "Tell Tale Heart" and the ending scene of "Somewhere In Time" all at once. Could someone really die of a broken heart? I wondered. I had never felt like this and was quite scared by it.
As I laid on my bed listening to my beating, broken heart and feeling so overwhelmed, sad and scared, I suddenly screamed out, "Oh God, please help me...I cannot do this on my own....I need you!" Apparently, this 'distress signal' was heard because before I could finish my last word, I found myself hit with a wave of energy so powerful that my entire body was vibrating and when this reached my head it was filled with a blast of bright light and then my inner eyes opened to a projection of my father and I side by side. :(
And then it stopped. There I laid in awe of what just happening, not knowing what it was. However, my pain and sadness were gone. It appeared that I was 'healed' both emotionally and physically.
Sounds wonderful, right?
No, not entirely. I was grateful for the healing but this experience seemed to also turn on a switch. I truly wasn't equipped to deal with these changes at this time.
I went from 'normal' to suddenly having spiritual dreams, dreams with audio, psychic dreams. I was okay with this for the most part, but then I started having experiences while talking to people where I would see a colorful light around them - this alone, scared the living daylights out of me! Was I going crazy?!
These changes turned my world upside down and affected every relationship I had. The few attempts I made at confiding in family and friends did not go well and wasn't well-received. After all, this wasn't normal and I was living in the Bible belt. I would get anything from, "That's weird" to "That wasn't God"
After hearing about my father's death, my fiance re-appeared in my life. We decided that we would try to work on 'us' again and I moved to Mississippi to be closer to him. It wasn't long after moving that I began having those dreaded dreams. They involved my fiance cheating on me. No, this didn't go over too well...it went kind of like this, "How can you be so upset over a dream...it's just a dream!" he'd say with a laugh. And yet these dreams persisted...whether 'just dreams' or not.
Yep, I was beginning to feel like I was going CRAZY!
To remedy this, I thought it would be a good idea to have more time alone to re calibrate and figure all this out. Every weekend I would drive to visit my mother and then hang out at the beach in Alabama to think and write. However, my mother wasn't very supportive of my move nor reuniting with my fiance so visits with her became increasingly 'unpleasant'.
Then, on one fateful visit, my mother said a lot of hurtful and horrible things that just threw me over the edge. I didn't stay, instead I jumped in my car with my emotions completely unhinged - angry, confused, hurt. I tore down the road crying so hard that I could barely see the road and then I just 'floored it'! I don't know why, not my 'normal' controlled behavior. I could feel my car begin to vibrate wildly with the acceleration of speed and yet I didn't take my foot off that pedal - I wanted to feel the danger in it perhaps - tempt life - I was a little angry at life in this moment. And then...sputter, sputter. My car lost momentum. My gas gauge was reading 'empty'. How could this be?!
The back country roads in Alabama don't have gas stations for miles. I was lucky to see one just as my car was coasting and out of gas. "Pay Inside!", the note on the gas dispenser said.
Given my emotional breakdown, my eyes were red and swollen. I sat in my car for a few moments collecting myself, slapped on my sun glasses and gave myself a little pep talk, "It'll be fine....short walk, pay, walk back, pump gas...You can do this!" With focused determination, putting one foot in front of the other, I set out towards the door..."Left foot, right foot, left foot..." Then I hear, "Hey little lady, how are you today?" I ignored this voice coming from my periphery. What are the chances of this happening? A man trying to pick up on me! I ignore it even though I was pretty sure he was following me. Then, "Hey little lady...stop for a minute."
Self talk: "I can lose him when I get inside and by the time I come back out he'll be gone."
I quickly paid for the gas inside and scoped the outer perimeter for signs of the man before exiting. "Coast looks clear!" I walk towards the door and suddenly he appears again opening the door for me! "Hey little lady, can I talk to you?" he asks. I keep walking, "Left foot, right foot, left foot...." He continues to follow, "Hey little lady...wait." then "little lady, little lady.....let me pump your gas for you....I really want to pump your gas,let me do that for you!"
At this point, I feel my emotions stirred up all over again at the spectacle of having to fend off some strange man that is wanting to pick up on me when I just want to be left alone. He was invading my space and being so aggressively pushy about it that I have to tell him, "NO! Please just leave me alone!"
He doesn't listen to me proceeds to follow me all the way to my car, "I just want to talk to you...let me pump your gas" Again, I tell him, "No! Please just go away...Please!" Then he says, "You're on your way to Jackson, Mississippi..." He paused just long enough for me to think about that for a second. It did take a few seconds for my mind to catch up to to his words because I realized there wasn't any possible way for him to know that information (I still had my Alabama tags on my car and I was at a gas station in Alabama).
Confused and stunned, I looked at the man's face for the first time. He had the warmest, most soothing blue eyes with a little smile in them. Not at all what I expected. I felt myself instantly calmed. Then he said, "Now that I have your attention, let me pump your gas for you." I felt like I was in this daze of inbetween-ness - knowing yet unknowing and on some level recognizing this numinous moment for what it was as I handed him the hose.
He suddenly changed before my eyes into a serious wise man. "Now...What you are going through is a turning point in your life and it is necessary for you to go through this. You will understand more later...but for now, you will have to go through this in order to learn what that is. Everything will be okay....it's going to be okay."
"Well, you're all filled up and ready to go," he said. "Can I see you smile?" Teary-eyed, I gave him a difficult smile with my now quivering chin.
I thanked the man and then got into my car with my mind spinning. "Goodbye!" I said as I started to drive away. But then he said the most peculiar thing, "Oh, you'll be seeing me again!" as he let out a little chuckle. What did he mean by that???
The road back to Mississippi was called 'Bloody 98" for a reason. I have no doubt that this man saved my life that day. I drove all the way back 'under the speed limit' thinking about this man and what just happened. I tried my best to put it in logical perspective but there was nothing logical about it. Was he an angel? And what did he mean by, "You'll be seeing me again." ???
I would realize the meaning of those last words soon enough.
Six months later, after leaving my fiance, I moved back to Alabama. I was now jobless, penniless, friendless...and mending a very broken heart.
This turning point in my life was not looking so good! I had stopped at an ATM machine to withdraw my last $20 to put gas in my car. The line at this ATM was rather long (10 or more people). As is often the case with mourning the loss of someone, I still had those waves of grief that would visit and unfortunately you can't always predict when they come. Why not have one standing in line at an ATM machine! ha! Oh, how I tried to subvert this wave by thinking of something else, blinking my eyes...nothing worked. Just when I was about to abandon the ATM line, a strange man popped out of nowhere right in front of my face, "Why aren't you smiling?!" Jolted, I turned my head away from him and looked away only to have him bob to the other side, "Why aren't you smiling?!" "I don't feel like smiling." This should have made him move on to someone else in the line but he just persisted, fixated on making me smile for some strange reason. Then he resorted to bobbing and jumping all over the place like some hyper-Leprechaun. "Come on, I want to see you smile and I'm not leaving until you do." He then planted himself in front of me with his hands on his hips, "Smile and I'll leave."
By this time the entire line was turned around watching this spectacle. Being such a shy person, I was mortified by the attention he was bringing. It was clear that he wasn't leaving. "Please, I don't feel like smiling right now.", I pleaded with him. "No, I'm not leaving until you smile...smile and I'll be gone." It was the hardest thing to do to push that smile out and as I did he watched and imitated me like some kind of animated character - it was so funny that I couldn't help but laugh...and smile. "See, don't you feel better? You should smile more often.", he said with his twinkling blue eyes. Blue eyes? And with that he was gone.
I had moved through the bulk of this turning point in my life. I had a new career, was going to college, had new friends and on this particular day would be my very first date since leaving my fiance six months prior (someone I had been with since I was 19 years old). I guess you could say this was a really big moment! A milestone.
At some point during the evening, I excused myself to go to the ladies room for a little self-pep-talk and deep breath. Although I was having a wonderful evening, it was a little awkward. Walking back to the restaurant through an empty corridor, a man jumped out of nowhere and stood in front of me saying, "Why aren't smiling?!" I wasn't sure I heard him correctly..."What?" He repeated himself again, "Why aren't smiling?!"
Self talk: There are those blue eyes again!
"I'm smiling, I'm smiling!" I said as I was taking in the uncanny similarities to the other experiences. I began laughing at the thought of this. "Good, then my job here is done." he said as he winked at me. His words only added to my curiosity. I've looked in these eyes before, I knew I had...and his words! Is this possible? Could it be? "Are you...." I paused trying to wrap my head around this, "Do I know you? You seem so familiar to me." With a big smile and chuckle he said, "I think maybe you do!" I started laughing again hysterically - we both did. Were we even laughing at the same thing? I simply couldn't verbalize what I was thinking out loud because this was just too CRAZY and beautiful all at the same time!
"Well, I really need to get back to my table...thank you for reminding me to smile", I said. "My pleasure" he offered as he walked away. "Keep smiling! hahahahaha"
This is my entry for the NEW 'Pic-a-Topic' Writing Contest by 'AverageOutsider'
