I knew I was desperate, but I knew if I just took the risk, it could pay me a great deal and even change my current situation. My partner was against it, but I was too desperate to listen. I had tried and tried, everything was on the line and if I could just get this win, everything would be okay. We had planned and saved some money I needed for school. I was going to use it to better my education and for once it felt like we were going in the right direction. But then the pressure came like a tornado, I could feel my heart skip a beat every time there was a call, I could feel my chest tighten every time my debtors reminded me of the promise date I made. I knew I had promised them, but every plan I had in mind had already failed. I hate disappointing people, and could not even imagine looking them in the eye to say I do not have their money.
These debts did not accumulate in a day, it took time. From the time I was in school, I thought it necessary because I had nowhere to get money. I would collect and pay back little by little, it was under control, I kept telling myself I just had to be careful so I do not over spend. But then, I got greedy, I wanted more, I wanted a better life and I was ready to take risks to get one. I decided in that instant that I was going to learn a course that would cost me so much, I had some savings, I was going to use part of it, then borrow the rest, the course was going to take everything I had on me, and I was certain that if I could just learn that course, my life would change. I decided to first withdraw from my savings, but unfortunately for me, a clumsy mistake made me lose it all. I had put in the wrong address and my hard earned money went just like that. I decided I would not show weakness, but deep down, I was cracking and I knew it. The pain of losing that money was severe, but I had to hold it in, I would not allow a little setback to stop me from my goal.
So I decided to go all out, and borrowed the whole money, but then my debtors were already at my door. I then made a decision to pay them from the borrowed money because of the pressure they were mounting. I told myself it will be okay, I will survive the storm somehow. But then, the money I paid them would just keep them out for a while, it was not going to solve the debts, but I guess I was more ashamed of the shame of not paying them than I was of my future. Now I was owing on all sides, my earnings could barely sustain me, and I needed to settle everyone. I could no longer register for the course because I had touched part of the money until I used up the whole money. It was as though everything was happening at the same time, the nights felt shorter, even the day felt shorter, the time I gave my debtors was fast approaching and I had nothing, this time I knew I was utterly empty.
I was known to always have a plan, I always had an answer for everything, I always figured a way out, but this time there was no way out, I knew it, but refused to accept it. My partner could sense my emotions running wild, I would lash out at the slightest thing, then she reminded me of the money I saved up for my school, she could see the greed in my eyes immediately she reminded me of it. While she talked about my education, I thought about the opportunity to multiply what I had, I thought about a way to make more from the little I had. She could see it clearly written in my words and actions and as though she could see the future, she warned me to not try anything stupid. I would look at her with that assuring but deceitful smile, I would promise, but deep down I knew they were just words.
I was already playing with the idea of gambling, I even got a gambling coach to tutor me on it, and when the money came I gave my coach to help me play. I gave her half of the money I got, seeing she had a lot of wins under her belt. That night I could not sleep, I knew the results of the game would either make me, or destroy me entirely. I went outside that night feeling the cold air against my bare chest when I got a message from my coach saying “I’m sorry I tried my best, but we lost it all.” She shared screen shorts and videos of every game she played, but I was no longer seeing them. I felt time itself standing while I just stood there with no thoughts at all, I could no longer think, and all I felt was void. That was when I made my decision and went back inside.
The fact that I did not even cry surprised me, I went to bed, woke up without a word, I was waiting for everyone to leave the house so I could end my life. I did not know how to face the shame, I did not know how to look into my partner's eyes to tell her I did the exact thing she begged me not to do. Everyone left the house, but my partner refused to go, as though she knew something was going to happen and when she kept on asking and asking, that was when I finally broke. All the walls I had erected finally came crumbling down, I was going for the knife I could see, but she would not let me, at that point I could no longer feel anything, the void in my heart just kept overflowing as though the dam had been broken, I guess I had it coming and that was the last straw.
THIS IS MY ENTRY INTO THE INKWELL COMBINED WRITING PROMPT #45
