Disclaimer: I never claimed that I was not juvenile.
This has been a horrible, horrible busy week at work, where it seems that everything that could have gone wrong did, in fact, go wrong. Now, I know for a fact that the week wasn't that bad, because if everything that could have gone wrong did, my dog would have died, the furnace exploded, and my ex would have come back into my life. So it wasn't all doom and gloom, but it was bad enough to make the comment that I was, perhaps, visited by King Midas' Jester who has the unfortunate curse to not turn everything he touches to gold but, instead, turns everything he touches into shit.
As soon as the thought came into my head I started to laugh. I have a (bad) habit of finding something that I'm thinking of just terribly funny and will start to laugh for seemingly no reason, to the point that I have been told to leave the room. Luckily for me I work from home, alone, with only the dog and cat for company, and they don't mind it when I laugh like an idiot. I think the dog actually enjoys it.
What makes this funny is that I'm running a Dungeons and Dragons campaign where the entire party recently drowned an entire village of innocent people. They suffered for it in a way; anyone who was either Lawful or Good gained no experience and had to change their alignment. I'm now essentially running a campaign of opportunistic bandits with magic and I need to find a suitable adventure to send them on and, as part of this adventure, I need to think of a suitable opponent.
Enter King Midas' Jester, who is actually a well-researched and learned necromancer: The Fecal Necromancer. He is a necromancer who is powerful, but mad, insane, and with a sick, sick sense of humour.
Behold, the custom spells in The Fecal Necromancer's Spellbook.
Aroma
Level: Cantrip
Casting Time: 1 Action
Range: 30 feet
A sickly aroma of burnt sulfur envelops the area emanating outward from the caster. It is not harmful, but noticeable.
Broken Wind
Level: 1
Casting Time: 1 Action
Range: 1 person, 20 feet
Causes the person cast upon to suddenly, and loudly, break wind, with enough gusto that it can be heard, and smelled, up to 20 feet.
Breaking Wind
Level: 2
Casting Time: 1 Action
Range: 1 person, 30 feet or touch, 1 person, 60 feet
Upon failing a save, the recipient is caused to severely and repeatedly break wind to the point of it impacting his or her ability to function for 2 rounds or 30 seconds. Defence and attack rolls suffer a -1 penalty. Any allies within a 30 foot radius must save vs poison or suffer a -1 attack penalty. If the caster touches the victim to cast the spell the radius is increased to 60 feet.
No Shit
Level 5 Curse
Casting Time: 30 seconds
Range: 1 person, in sight
Upon failing a save, the victim suffers 2d4 days of severe constipation (2d6 days for elves, because the caster thinks it's funny, but only 1d4 for dwarves, who are accustomed to it). After the 3 day mark concentration is impacted: spellcasters cannot study or pray for new spells, and all rolls suffer a -2 penalty. The day the curse comes to an end the victim is unable to perform any meaningful function other than to purge.
Shit Creek
Level 6 Transmutation
Casting Time: 1 minute
Range: 30 cubic feet per caster level
Transmutes 30 cubic feet of water to shit. If a paddle is used to help cast the spell the effective range is doubled. A canoe triples the range.
Shit for Brains
Level 9 Transmutation/Necromancy
Castine Time: 5 minutes
Range: 1 person
Victim must save or literally have his brains turned to shit. A critical failure save (a natural 1) also turns the victim into a zombie with a severe appetite for brains.
(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe