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There is a plague upon this world...
and no it's not corona virus or inflation or even climate change.
No,
It's something much worse.
The plague is...
Simps.
Now you might be thinking "But Maximus, isn't that a bit of an exaggeration? surely simps aren't as bad as climate change."
And to that I say "False!" and give you a smack.
They are that bad!
At least climate change can be combated,
Simps.. not so much
They have been around since the dawn of man and they shall remain till the human race goes extinct.
It is unfortunate that we can't erase simpness... but we can control it.
And that is why I have taken it upon myself to educate as many people as I can on the concept of simping.
So without further doodoo, it's time for the anatomy of a simp.
Note: I wanted to abduct a simp and perform painful surgery on them to understand their actual anatomy but apparently that's illegal so we'll just stick with using the word "anatomy" in a metaphorical sense.
Time for the breakdown!
The word simp actually comes from simpleton which means a silly or foolish person.
But the simp we are going to be talking about today is different even though they are also silly and foolish.
The simp we're going to be dissecting is the modern-day simp.
and the modern day definition of a simp is:
Someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, Typically someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in pursuit of affection or a sexual relationship.
or put more simply;
Someone who does way too much for someone they like that doesn't and probably will never like them back.
Now that we've run through the internet definition of a simp it's time for my definition.
Simps are beings whose dignity have been trampled upon by their own feet (you can quote this.)
Since I was not able to physically dissects a simp I settled for mental and emotional dissection and that has led me to a very riveting set of results I like to call recipe of a simp.
Here goes...
This is one of the questions I think I will never have a reasonable answer to. Because why why would you become subservient to someone who likely doesn't even know you exist.
Imagine giving thousands of Dollars to an already which internet personality just because she has a pretty smile and nice bosoms.
All for what a mere "thanks fan uwu🥰"
You could have given that money to orphans!
You could've given that money to animal shelters!!
You could've given that money your grandma!!!
But nooo, it's pokimane you saw.
Nonsense.
Simping is the reason why a stupid platform like onlyfans is so popular and it's infuriating.
So why do people simp?
I honestly don't know.
If anyone figures the answer out please inform me as I can't even think of a tangible reason🤦🏾♂️
My goal is to help enlighten y'all about simp culture but my knowledge can't help you unless you know where exactly you stand.
So, are you a simp?
To answer that question, My team at my labs for special scientific research have come up with a billion dollar tool only second to the James Webb Telescope called the simpometer. It’s a measuring tool to know just how much of a simp you are.
How it works is you answer a series of yes or no questions where you get a point for every yes. At the end of the question, your fate will be revealed to you. (Did I mention I also practice witchcraft and divination so this is basically fullproof).
So fasten your seatbelts, say your prayers and Let’s begin!
Q1. Do you find yourself doing the most for someone who obviously doesn’t like you?
Q2. Are you always trying to impress them to your own detriment?
Q3. Do you feel hatred when you see them with another person?
Q4. Do you work on yourself mainly to get their attention?
Q5. Do you get taken advantage of a lot by that person?
Q6. Do you stalk the person either physically or online? (now that’s just borderline creepy)
Q7. Do you expect the person to give you something in return for your "niceness" (wink wink)
As promised, here are your treats:
4-6 points: We can smell the simp hormones all the way here.
2-3 points: You’re alright. If being average was a talent, you probably have it. You my friend, are the average simp.
1 point: Why are you so confused in life? Why must you have 1 point, why not just 0, what's your issue?
7 points: MEGA SIMP ALERT. You probably need therapy for all the simping going on in your life.
0 points: ALL HAIL THE GIGACHAD!!! If simping is fire, then you are the freaking Ice age. You're on the right path. Well done.
Now that that’s over and you know what direction your life is headed, let’s look at some major simps of all time. These dudes laid the foundation for the simp kingdom. If this was colonisation, they’d be Britain.
Ah yes. Who else to be the founder of simps ‘R’ us than the first man. This ancestor literally defied a deity to please a woman. Call it the original simp (sin). Till now, no scientific explanation has and can be given to understand his actions but it did give us a clear warning to “fear women”.
You know that overreaching first son who does everything just like his father so he can inherit the company? Well, that’s who Samson was. The only issue is he had to break the founder’s rule in order to be better than him. He failed to fear women… Thrice! I mean, how hard is it to see that she is after your life? He not only lost his super powers (I see batman grinning) but he was also blinded and stripped of his dignity. Which earned him the number 2 spot at the hall of simps, right next to every K-drama and K-pop fan.
This dude was supposed to be the most badass warrior in the kingdom and a symbol for justice but man was rendered useless because of a woman and it's even worse because that woman was his aunt😖😖
"You know nothing Jon snow"
The original prostitute. This guy could do anything and everything just to fornicate. Man has turned to various creatures just to spy on naked woman. Disgusting.
Because of man that doesn't know she exists, she gave away her beautiful voice to a witch. Is this not the highest level of simping?
And I'll use this opportunity to clear up the misconception that only boys are simp. Our Ariel here is a prime exampxle of how girls can be simps. Girls are also simps, and they're plenty and their simping is generally more intense than that of guys, they just know how to hide it better.
"We are the flash"
If you don't shut up right now!
One of your main goals in life is to not be like any of the people mentioned above.
I know this topic was meant to be anatomy of a simp and there's basically nothing anatomy in this article.
Well, the truth is I just thought the title was cool and by the time I had gone too far in the article, there was no going back. So you might as well accept it at this point
anyhoo,
I think I've done a pretty good job of making you understand what a simp is, If you want to know more about simping and how to stop simping
Check out my bestselling book "simp or no simp" by clicking the link below👇🏾
Simp or no simp book by Maximus.
Thank you for reading.
Stay buzzing,
Maximus✍🏾
