So I'm writing a novel (for funsies of course, not for publishing purpose an' all that.) and this is just a fragment of all my jumbled up words. The novel is about a character with an interesting view towards life, and a boy who, unfortunately, falls deeply in love with them. It has some touch of reality and moments I've experienced, or faced myself, so writing it feels like bearing my soul in a way I've never done before. It’s exciting, and terrifying. But then again, I was never a scardy-cat.
Hope you enjoy it. And hope this makes even a fragment of sense to you.
The second her car came in sight, the breath he had been holding onto left his chest in a rush.
He still remembered the night clearly, when just two week ago, both of them were running high on joints while zooming through the city in her beat up Toyota. It was a night to remember, a night full of laughter and adventures he never went on before.
It made him feel close to her, made him feel a part of the broken world she hid under her beautiful smile. It was fascinating to watch her laugh so freely, watch her talk about everything and anything with mirth covering her eyes and smoke covering her lips.
She had always been a free bird, and it was electrifying, to watch her spread her wings in front of him without a worry.
But just like all the great things in life, the night hadn’t lasted. And come with the morning sun, he had watched her drive away along with the first morning breeze.
It was with the same morning breeze she disappeared with. And ever since then, he had been desperately trying to reach for her, only to come up empty handed.
She had vanished. And with her, the feeling of being close to her had also disappeared.
"Hey," was the first thing she said to him, the same coy smile painted on her face as she gave him a wave.
He looked at her feeling tense, like she was a tyrant blizzard coming just to ruin him for good.
"Come for a drive?" she asked, without pause.
And he found himself walking towards her, even before his mind could make up what to say.
The car was silent beside the song playing softly on the radio.
*"....There's nothing wrong with a little space..." *
The singer crooned in a soft voice as he stared at the road emptily, his thoughts running a mile in his mind.
He wanted to ask her where she had been. Wanted to ask her why her phone was off, why she never told him where she lived or why she never reached out in the past two weeks.
Weren't they close? A simple text would've been fine. One word and he would've left her alone. He knew he wasn’t anything special to her, she had so many people around her— but they were at least friends, weren’t they? Or was it also something he was delusional about?
"How've you been?"
Her voice startled him out from his reverie, and he let himself finally look at her.
She looked the same as before. With wild short hair that could never be tamed, dressed in her usual sweater and jeans. She looked like the past two weeks hadn’t even affected her, like the absence didn’t even exist in her world and he had only dreamt it up.
"So, not talking then?" she chuckled while driving on, and it made him want to groan. "You can at least light a cigarette for me, can't you?" she asked while giving him a side glance.
Her lighter and a packet of Marlboro laid untouched on the dashboard. And he reached for them with shaking hands.
"Where are we going?" he asked instead, and for a second, he saw a shadow of sorrow cover her face before it was quickly wiped away with her ever-present smile.
"Somewhere far," she answered without looking his way.
They stopped aside a canola field that went on for miles, mixing itself with the horizon far north.
It was a beautiful night. The moon was shining softly above their heads, and he watched her climb onto the trunk of the car, patting the space next to her while smoking away.
"Well, come and sit down, won't you?" she asked him, and like a man possessed, he went to sit beside her.
It was quiet after that. Before she broke the silence once again.
"So, how are you?" she asked him for the second time today, and he looked at her in frustration.
"Come on, don’t be a sourpuss, now. Talk to me. Break the ice an' all that shit." she laughed.
"Where were you?"
She tilted her head towards him at his outburst.
"Oh, you know. Here and there, everywher—"
"I tried calling you. Your phone was off." he cut her off.
"I know."
"I even asked your friends. They said they didn’t see you either."
"I know."
"I don't even know where you live for fuck's sake— I was worried sick!"
"I know."
Her two worded answers made him want to scream.
"Then!? Where were you?! A simple text would've been nic—"
"I just, left," she said simply, her gaze fixed on the field in front of them.
He looked at her in disbelief. He honestly didn’t even know what he expected. Getting an answer out of her on any normal day was like playing a game of chess. He was never any good at it, and shs never let him win.
Ripping his gaze away from her, he lit a cigarette himself. The frustration, mixed with worry and hurt, had driven him crazy these past few days. He knew what he felt for her went beyond friendship. And it made his head spin. Because her thoughts were like a maze. He never understood her.
"Do you ever feel like it's all too much and all too little at the same time?" she asked, out of the blue. It made him look at her again, and she kept speaking like he wasn’t even there.
"Like, you’ll be there one day, going through your usual routine, washing the dishes in your kitchen, minding your business when suddenly, life will just flash in front of your eyes like lightning " she paused. "And you’ll realise with soap covered hands that everything that led up to where you are now, actually meant nothing? Life would suddenly feel like a chore and a blessing at the same time, making you think that 'if there is nothing now then there will be something soon' and, and that something– that something that isn't here yet, what if, what if that something terrifies you? Fills your lungs with lead? Because you— you’ve lived a life that's empty for so, so long. What if this 'something' wrecks your well-found balance? What if it ruins you? Breaks all the walls you built around you and makes you crumble? Will you be able to get up after that? Are you strong enough to fight it? That change?"
"But then again, what that something never actually comes? What if you were just born to live life the exact same way you lived it now? Will you be able to accept that? This mundane existence means nothing. Is it something worth living for?" she asked while looking down.
"Life is a weird thing. Nothing is really up to you, in the end, you know?" she said with a chuckle. "It's like a game of dice. You spin your dice, you grab and squabble and shake them in your palms again and again and again, putting all your hopes in, all your ambitions and desires, your thirst to win, only to come up with a number you never even predicted. And I, fucking hate uncertainty."
"So you left because you felt uncertain? About what? Us?" he asked, confused. And he watched her chuckle again.
"Ohh I was never uncertain about us, darling." she huffed before looking at him. "I left because, for the first time in my life, I've never been this certain about something."
"A-and that is?" the question made his throat close up, making it sound more like a whisper than anything else.
She gazed at him for a while before she spoke.
"I left because I'm certain that you are that something for me, sent out of pity by the universe. And it terrifies me to the core that, that something— you, are going to ruin me for good, one day, completely." she said before glancing away.
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