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hey, i know its been 3 years but i still think about you all the time..........................

you were the first girl i ever loved and truly cared about.

before we met i was in a dark place and prayed that God might send me an angel.....

shortly later i met you.....

the night i met you i remember when you walked in the room there was something special about you and i gravitated towards you....

the next day on the car ride home i told my cousin, "i might marry that girl some day"

i never got your number but you found me on facebook and from there i got your number....

only issue was you lived an hour away and i was set to move to texas......

we kept talking any way and all the way through texas you were my best friend across the country

when i came back i came to visit you on several occasions
these were some of the most beautiful times of my life
i loved being with you
after connecting over a phone for several months to finally be with you physically was the best thing in the world

there were times you would catch me smiling at you and ask what i was smiling about.....

id just keep smiling a foolish smile

i wish this lasted forever.......

the first time we disagreed was the first time you came to visit me

i expected to take you for dinner maybe introduce you to some friends

you said you had to be home by 7 cuz you told some friends youd come to their party later........

i resented that
i also thought you were whack for not driving the whole way and making me meet you half way to drive

when i took you back to the spot we met i was mad

you said something like "alright bye text me"

i said i might

we didnt talk that night
nor the next day until you called me

i think you must have been reading off a notecard on that phonecall
you were on point

this was a fight but out of it we expressed feelings for eachtother that we previously
had understood but werent very vocal about

in hindsight i wish i was more effective with my passion bringing it out in more positive times

still we had some really special times

breakfast with tiffany
our first kiss outside the library
sushi
that first afternoon in ur parents basement while ur dad was at work and ur mom was upstairs ;)
chipotle when that boy thought i was a girl smh lol
trivia night
that night we smoked that joint in the snow
that time in ur dorm room when we were listening to 2pac and i said lets make this trap house a trap home
the time we were supposed to go to the art museum but there was a blizzard and i got snowed in at ur parents house
pf changs
our flawless beer pong runs
that late night ice cream trip
the time you showed me ur collection of strange hats
under the covers on the couch while ur parents were asleep upstairs ;)
that was one of if not the best day of my life
even at night when we were texting from separate rooms... id never craved someone so strongly and felt such intense glee
breakfast with ur mom

within a few weeks after the best day of my life
things started to change....

i thought things went fine with your family but maybe they didnt.......

you ignored me for a full weekend when you went to visit ur high school friend

from this point i wasnt getting the same reactions out of you

i started to feel like i loved you so much more than you loved me

i started to suspect you had a guy at ur school who was vying for your affections

you made me a cd signed with a heart

the cd was filled with sad songs

i asked why you always listen to sad songs

maybe i never learned your struggle and i apologize for that

the week before you pulled the plug on us i began to sense the end was near

january 21st i recorded the song "january 21st"on jcoles "january 28th instrumental

in the song i said, "she dont wanna mf like you, she trynna find a nice guy trynna make the right moves"

this was right about the time you asked for a break....

you said the spark was gone and that we had different timelines

you said you needed a break to miss me...

i said we should stop talking if you want a break.....

and so we did

but not really
i couldnt handle it

those first couple weeks were hell

every second, every minute, every hour id peak at my phone
to see if you would snap. text. call. anything

it was pure misery
except the few times youd come into contact with me which id liken to sunrays

i was in the dark

a few weeks later we saw eachother at a gala and things were awkward
i think we took a picture which is weird
i dont ever want to see that picture
i was so ashamed to see you

i got as fucked up as possible and i made out with one of your friends
(someone i had always had a crush on)

i danced with you after which is cringeworthy

idk how but you seemed like you werent bothered

i guess i wanted you to care
i desperately called you and apologized the next day
and i noticed an agitation in you for the first time
you were normally always so calm and cool
youd had it with me

i thought its best to stay away
but i couldnt help myself with social media
during this time period i lived to see anything that had anything to do with you on social

an update was a golden token
a potential sign or clue

everything was an illusion
i had to break the wheel...

i deleted you from everything but spotify

i said at the very least i need to know what shes listening to...

i didnt know about the spotify app i justed looked at ur recently played which sometimes went WEEKS without updating...... i damn straight lost my mind.....

you texted me on my 21st birthday... at 10 pm.......
i left the bar and went home.

my favorite day of that year was easter a week later ....
i texted you happy easter and you sent me a picture
of you and your sister in white dresses
looked like two angels

lol we texted a little during church and after while i went home and maxed

the next day when we started talking again i assumed wed pick up where we left off

i was so wrong lol

the rest of that year was probably the worst of my life emotionally but i did do a lot of cool stuff

i went deep sea fishing in california and journeyed to greece

even in these amazing places between the distractions i was lost
everything in life felt like a sign of the universe working against me.
anything i did i lost in
i saw nothing positive and no future for myself

i was completely shrouded in darkness

that summer i went to lolla and dropped a lil sumn sumn sumn sumn too much

there was a point in my trip when i felt like you and i were connected and at that specific point i shot into space in a pink and baby blue ray
and my body was tickled with ecstasy

when i came down i came down hard
i thought id never come back
my ego was destroyed

i wanted to reintroduce my new self to you but felt unworthy to regain your affections

i just tried to forget and start over

lol no one i know ever really knew you existed.........
they had possibly heard i was talking to you
but never physically met you since you lived far away

so when we stopped talking i was completely on my own

id never want anyone to know the pain i went through
especially if they might get the impression that you caused it
there were times that were really really hard
id try to get my head into anything i possibly could to take my mind off of you

i couldnt do anything without thinking of you and yet in this time period i managed to:

rehabilitate my knee and begin playing sports again.......
played soccer and basketball again for the first time in 2 years
started journalizing.....
wrote hundreds of poems.....
picked up painting and made a few lil tings.... lol
recorded hundreds of songs......
acted in a feature length movie....
copped a bachelors degree.....
travelled to texas...
travelled to cali.... twice
travelled to florida... twice
travelled to greece.... twice....
won a couple basketball tournaments in minnesota and chicago...
attended plays and artshows....
sporting events....
met hundreds of new people....

and all the while couldnt stop thinking about you....

since 3 years ago when we were "together"weve seen eachother twice....

one time was at lolla

which was mystical af

especially considering the first time we met up in chicago was at lolla

i think i knew there was a possibilty we might see eachtother there but never could have conceived that it would actually happen
and the crazy thing was we were walking on a direct path into eachother

also cray cray cuz i literally bumped into you moments after i had dissolved a small amount of a substance on my tongue

it was geeked

you were with your boyfriends sister lol
and you introduced her as your friend

i gave you a side hug and said it was really good to see you

i asked who you who you all saw and were planning on seeing

you said you were headed to st lucia and that you thought i should check them out

(i did...lol not a fan)

i walked away with that same gleeful feeling i always remembered from you....

i saw you once more a few months later.... at the same gala i had madeout with your friend 2 years earlier....

i was there with a friend from church (female) and you were there without your boyfriend...... curious?

we had an awkward conversation

i said something stupid about ur earrings

you asked what my plans after graduation were and that you thought i should do some travelling

you needed to get a wristband for your boyfriend and i knew the dj so i went and got you one

you said why did you do this for me?

i said because i think you would have done the same for me.........

we went to the same bar after and you didnt even introduce us

even though i knew he knew who i was... he kept kissing you on the check and neck while he was looking over at me..

i left the bar with my friend and one of your friends and we had gyros

we havent seen eachother since....

now overall 3 years have past,....... even though we arent the same.... i still wonder about you....

i heard youve been seeing someone for 2 years or so.....

i wonder if youre happy

i wonder if you still think about me and if you do if you have good memories...

crazy to think there was a time when you said you couldnt live without me

i wonder what if things went differently....

if i could have paid better attention maybe i would have noticed this or that
but idk it was inevitable.... destiny if you will

i wouldnt change anything
not that i love where im at or anything but more so that i learned that i can get back up when life gets me down
and for that i like who im becoming

truth is its hardddd to love someone when theyre far away

but still i compare the girls i meet to you and ive never had that same gleeful feeling

as soon as i compare them to you i disdain them

but then theres also times when i think if i cant have you i should disdain you too
ur like a curse that clings to me and shrouds me in sorrow
that i cant have you
and though i cant be with you
no matter how hard i suffer, im always wishing you the best

i always used to think,
you only love once

i hope thats not true

right and wrong dont matter
i wish i could have been better for you
so i could have kept that feeling forever

that gleeful feeling
its gone now
i fear im getting older and colder
and i dont think its ever coming back

:'(

i want you because i cant have you
i miss you because we shared a connection
and i love you because i always will

so just know,
when you see 26s,
im sending you well wishes