The ritual.
Woke up 4am. Puked dinner. Stretched. Shower. Sit outside, let barefeet touch ground. Meditate. Cry. Beg for mercy. Sinus rinse. Kratom. Smoke 1000 cigarettes (the only thing i have to live for). Negative monkey mind. All the stuff id be doing without pain. Fear my child wont know his father. Anger. Despair. Tired, exhausted. What can i do today to move forward or find relief, thoughts. Just give up. Embrace the pain. Quite the mind. Become Pure, become Pure Pain.