I have discovered, from past experiences that I do not know how to deal with grief. I do not mean my own grief, I mean dealing with anyone who is grieving. I am at my most uncomfortable consoling a friend over a loved one's passing. It is not that I do not feel sympathy for the person grieving, I just don't know how to express it.
Anytime, I visit people when they lose someone close to them, I am always short of words and when I do speak, my words sound forced in my ears. It feels as if I am faking the emotions, repeating some inspirational quote I read somewhere. I feel like I am too detached from the moment to truly comprehend the extent of the person's pain.
The same thing applies when I hear people talk to anyone grieving. There's a lot of quotes throuwn about and deep inside me, I wonder if the person making those statements truly believes them. The popular one is, everything will be fine. Sometimes everything won't be fine. The words feel sterile, overused.
One thing I have come to learn about words is that they are rare. Yes words are all over the dictionary but the semantics of words are rare to find. When a word has been overused like sorry has been, it begins to lose its value and from there it loses its inherent meaning. It becomes chaff, wind.
When someone in grief pores through the many words he or she hears while struggling in the darkness to make sense of life, meaning is rarely a thought. They don't really consider the tone of voice, the inflection or context of words. They mostly hear sounds that they interprete automatically to mean sympathy.
Even though, a grief-stricken person doesn't really pay attention to what is going around them, people still come to talk. Some talk about the rain and politics, seeking to drag the person's mind from sad thoughts while some would want to know the whole details of death as if they can use the information for anything besides gossip. Some grieve worse than the person who has lost someone and there are some who just sit there silent.
Those silent ones, those ones welcoming visitors, serving cold drinks, getting the children to go have their baths, to go eat, those ones who stop from time to time to ask natural questions like; what will you eat? Should I put off the generating set? The dog needs to go, where do I take her to? are the ones I would love to be. Their words subtly tells one that though you grieve, life will not wait for you. Life has to go on. At the same time, they are saying - I understand, I am with you.
I still pass condolence messages to people but when I can I just sit and watch the world spin and wonder if the person is among the stars. Grieving is a silent thing, I think. A grieving person may talk a lot but I am sure that inside he or she is as silent as a ghost ship on a becalmed sea.
One day, I will find the right words to express my sympathy as well as my grief. Until that day comes, I am going to learn how to speak without language as we know it. I am going to use my silence as a shield against pain. Good morning.
