So here's the thoughts that occur to me.
First, I think too much. I know this about myself.
Probably sounds like a statement of the bleeding obvious, given that you are reading s blog composed of the thoughts of a woman undergoing IVF and various other things who is a thinker.
But it's not that obvious from where I'm sitting because there's a difference between functional thought and vanity thought.
Think of it like the difference between functional fitness and body dysmorphia fitness.
My brain gives me thoughts and ideas. Gives me. I am not my brain. My brain should be serving me.
The problem I along with the rest of the human race suffers is that I believe my thoughts.
After the appointment with the doctor, my mind was racing. Instantly certain scenarios came into my head. Because they come from my head, it all seems plausible. The mechanics of the scenario vary in clarity. In common, they share disappointment, rage against the system, betrayal and despondency.
From one doctor's appointment!
And yet - before the doctors appointment I was grounded.
The scenarios I create in my head are designed I know to protect me. Taking this step to engage in the process, I'm afraid it will work because I'm afraid I won't be able to cope.
I realized recently that I have buried deep inside fears, and that these probably account for the reason a good relationship and later marriage evaded me. The fear of being happy and single because then I'd have to accept myself for who I am and my beloved too would have to love my warts and all, and who would love me if they say my dark corners? The fear of being a bad mother. The fear of having a depressed, suicidal teenager, who hates his or her mother and is disconnected from her. Because that was me, thirty years ago. Only I'd recognize it and be powerless to help, unlike my mother who was self absorbed and blessed and cursed with a certain lack of sensitivity. The fear of being a happy single mother because that would mean I'm actively ushering in the decline of the paradigm of the heterosexual family which, liberal as I am, accepting of blended and unorthodox families as I am, I do believe, all other things being equal, is the best.
So what seems to happen is because I have not deep inside uprooted these fears, I get unrealistically pessimistic. But it's not a secular pessimism, looking at medical statistics and saying something sensible, like, well I really hope it will work and it would be lovely if it did, and I'm going to believe everything will be okay unless I learn otherwise. One day at a time.
That attitude would be wise.
Instead, untrammeled scenarios in my imagination lead me to an instant sense that the sky is falling, something is wrong, it's all going to fall apart.
But I'm not going to let that happen this year.
I can't.
I won't have the strength, my mind will deplete me if I let it.
The first and perhaps fromm the outside obvious step of not indulging in overthinking is challenging.
Years ago, doing a nine day silent vipassana meditation retreat, on the last day as I was more in tune with the Observer of my thoughts, I saw how a part of my mind kept on coming up with crazy and creative and attractive ideas every
time I broke through a layer to detach from my attachments and repulsions.
A few years ago, in the middle age crisis induced Ayeheusca trip I took, I saw how my mind would not allow the Ayehusca to enter and explore, despite the spirit vine knocking on the door several times.
In other words, my mind has a lot of control over me. Learning to give myself permission to not think isn't trivial.
On the other hand, I can see lately that as I've been doing as opposed to wringing my hands an thinking, I enjoy life more. It works from the lowest level- not surfing- to the more practical, buying the damn piece if furniture, instead of agonising over Ikea catalogues, Pinterest, budget, 3d models and the like. Meeting people always does me good. Finishing jobs I hate does me good. I pretend it doesn't because my self identity as a perfectionist thinker tells me otherwise. But the evidence is out there. I like getting things done. It makes me feel better. I can chose to do it for me.
A helpful schematic begins to unfold..a plan for how I can go through the IVF process this year in my own. Whilst finding a job. As hopefully a good lifelong relationship. And enjoying friends, building a life for myself as single and happy. And having secure feeling professional success. And delivering a healthy, happy baby. And being happy. And sane.
The schematic arises from how I see I stand opposite what is in front of me.
There seems to be three elements at play I need to work on separating.
First, there is my belief. As was much more alive for me before I entered the doctor's surgery yesterday, I do truly believe I will give birth to at least one healthy happy beautiful baby. Deep down, I know from my bones that I'll be a great mother. Not perfect, but a great mother. I know I'm a great person, that there's nothing wrong with me just because I'm single. I know I'm very competent and can get a good job. I know I have original thoughts and I can find my own writer's ad speaker's voice to express it. Somewhere inside I have deep faith in myself that it's all going to happen.
This element is somewhere between a seed and a fire. There are mysterious seeds in my DNA that drive that I truly believe. And there's a fire inside I can choose to fuel which drives my passion. As the roots of belief grow deeper, the fire of passion grows stronger.
Second there is my attitude towards the external world. It's clear to me that for reasons connected to a whole variety of explainable and inexplicable things, that I have attitudes and projections and strong feelings that are evoked when meeting different people who symbolize authority. The doctor related what from his perspective are my statistical chances of success. He is a person that brings with him his whole way of being, his professional discipline. My reaction after that meeting- rage, anticipated betrayal, disappointment etc- that's what I carry towards authority. Or something. The doctor doesn't know everything anyhow. No one does.
This element is where I can employ cool intellect. Separating and understanding, separating and understanding.
Third, there's what happens in reality. What happens is what happens. I never would have expected at my age, a year ago that I'd have since many eggs and so many would fertilize. Whatever my beliefs, whatever the beliefs of others, whatever I perceive about others- what happens or not is out if anyone's hands.
This element is where I apply my patience. Patience carries with it suffering. But there is no choice.
I think that what this means is that there are things I can actively do in order to stay sane and balanced in the next year.
1 I can focus on doing rather than thinking
2 Use sport to let go of thinking
3 Identity my positive beliefs that I want to cultivate and actively looking for evidence day to day that will support that
4 Where my thoughts evoke scenarios that in turn evoke negative emotions, recognize this is all in my head
5 Practice separating between my cultivated and authentic positive beliefs and what other people say. This takes courage and practicing this self belief is very important. It's also the key to rebuilding inner strength and self confidence
6 Take each day as it comes and adopt an end of life perspective on setbacks. Ask myself- in the grand scheme of my life, looking back, especially when I will achieve what I think I will- how much importance does this temporary setback carry?
I hope this helps me.
I hope this helps you.
