Staying in touch with other people, being close, open, kind, loyal, friendly or helpful is hard.
No matter what others say: I am not a kind person. I have an anger inside that's frequently hard to control. That rage is deep inside my tummy right above a huge black hole.
Doctor, I feel empty. I thought every demon and even the devil would have that. But since I know Lucifer I think he's different. Lucifer is the light bringer, he isn't evil. Can be he punishes but that's something different.
If Lucifer smiles, and looks you in your eyes there's trust. He does not pick a fight, or start a war and all women like him. How odd is that?
I wonder if he's the same person as the one who stood at the foot of my bed for so many years. That person who made me feel safe. To be honest I miss him.
Now all that's left is that deep dark black hole and the fury inside, the irritation if someone speaks to me, no matter how kind s/he is.
Can it be I lost all my trust in humanity?
I think that's exactly what it is.
I do miss a certain friendship but I don't trust people enough to open up.
I try and try, and I give more than 200% but Doc sooner or later I am always the one who's dumped, and abandoned till the moment a stranger shows up. Suddenly I am remembered and there's someone who wants to be close, again... I fall for it.
I do open up and tell about myself but from one moment to the next that newly started bond ends.
It ends without a goodbye. Once again I am ignored, there's no reply and no reason given as to why the contact was stopped.
So, doctor, I would like you to give me a recipe for a friend. Can you give me a subscription for AI, a humanlike robot, that is if you can?
The colour green is fine, being bald or not talkative isn't a problem either, but please not too stupid or too demanding.
It might look like the most unusual relationship between you and society, but it might work for me.
And do you know what doc? If this robot can't cheer me up or annoys me I can switch it off and put it away till I have a better day. No one will be harmed this way.
I'm going to shove today's diary of my feelings underneath the door. I hope you'll agree that AI is my only way out of here.
Greetings Kate, from the 6th floor
8-1-2024
The photo was taken by me
