I'm tired of the yelling, my mother's yelling, cursing, scolding, the fights.
I want her to be quiet or better go away. It's hard to live with her and I don't think I can handle it any longer. No one will help me and I'm afraid to be with her. I never know what she will do, or how she will respond.
Today she was angry again. I better write when she is not angry. Her being mad is normal. She threw all the fish in the aquarium away. She flushed them through the toilet! Why is she doing something like that? We have a large aquarium and it's full of colourful fish. I like watching them and she loves buying them. On Saturdays, if she doesn't buy clothes or other things like antiques or jewellery, she spends hours in that hall searching for special fish. I think that man likes her because she is a big customer although he isn't as friendly to her as those people in the boutique are. It's always crowdy and she waits in line for something she rare needs to so I think she loves it over there.
Once the fish are in the plastic back with some water the man filled the rest of the bag with air. He uses a machine for it. Do fish need air? Next, the bag is wrapped in newspaper and the paper is taped. Brown tape they use. Once home the fish go with the bag into the aquarium for some time before the bag is opened. Perhaps the fish are more save if they can watch the other fish first?
The fish are expensive and now she flushed them away and the aquarium is empty. It's not the first time she does this and always if she is angry with dad. It's strange, she says the fish are dad's but I never saw him take care of them once. The only thing dad does is cut them open if they died. He likes to study why they died but I don't think he knows the reason. He never says anything if she acts like a mad man. Not a mad man but a madwoman. A person people fear but she is important and people need her so they believe her. Will my life be better if I can leave here? I try to believe it will be but I'm not sure. I know I said it will if no one yelled at me but there's something inside of me. I don't know what it is but I think it eats me and makes me feel unhappy, as unhappy as one can be. I'm afraid this feeling will never leave me and I will always be the daughter of a madwoman, a crazy woman everyone hates and fears. People don't like you if have a mother like mine. They will not help you or feel pity for you. Perhaps they will if I'm found dead in the cupboard but that won't easily happen and if my mother will say I did it to myself and everyone believes her. It always been this way. She lies, lies and lies and people believe her instead of me because she is an adult and I am the child that lies, gives her a bad name and is ungrateful.
Being ungrateful is the worst thing there is. At least that is what grandmother and my mother say. Perhaps auntie says that too but I haven't seen her for a longer period. I don't think I can ask her on her wedding day. Wedding days should be happy and about the bride and broom. I don't like to go to the wedding of auntie. Not because I don't love her and I don't like my new uncle but I will feel unhappy, more unhappy. Grandmother knitted a vest that itches and I think it's too small for me. My mother bought a black long skirt for me with a white blouse and I have to walk in front of auntie and carry flowers. People will look at me and see my face, the wounds and talk about me. If there's a party they will forget about me. I don't like crowds, I don't like people and I don't like it if they ask me questions I can't answer.
People are so curious and I don't want to tell lies because lying is a bad thing. I know my mother always lies about the things she did, and what she bought (she says it's not new for example if dad asks her) but I'm not my mother. I don't want to be like her. I don't want people to hate me and I try to be a good girl but I'm still bad. I have no friends and I don't think I can like or love someone. Inside of me is something that eats me.
It doesn't yell at me, it doesn't tell me what to do, it's no monster but more like a big hole. It's empty inside of me, I don't think there's anything left I like or want and I don't want to get married and wear my mother's wedding dress. She wants me to, talk about it but I want nothing from her. I know it made her angry as I said I don't want that dress, I still see her beating me up but I can't feel it anymore.
I think if there's nothing to look forward to it's better to die. I'm tired of all of it. Tired of being unhappy and that empty feeling inside. I just want to die. I don't care about what people say is normal all I want is to die. They don't care about me and if god hates me if I don't want this life I cannot change it.
I think the world is better off with me. A new normal without me will be normal too.
March 25, 2022
