So I've made another wrong turn. I've been trying to make all my hard-work and suffering mean something... to have something beneficial to show for it. Alas, it was not to be. All I have gained for my expense is knowledge of my own limits and of another system designed purely to extract wealth from it's clients.
I've already died once.
A close encounter with the Reaper, a hell from which I couldn't escape unscarred, psychically and physically. I was hurt, and it was over this–
My strangled voice and lack of acceptance love.
So it seems that for me, myself, and I... trying to do anything else but find a place I can express myself and my voice freely, is a waste of time. I wanted to be a MD, the only way for me to make some use of all that life spent on formal standard education. I thought that, if I maybe traveled that far, I could finally, maybe, heal myself. Find the way to regenerate what has been lost, rejuvenate and reverse the weight of time and stress. Healing is my only academic interest. However, I don't know if I should continue struggling down this path- knowing I'd likely be hanging myself yet again. Can I really put this pursuit before my voice, before everything else, when doing that before has only lead to suffering? There are other-ways to pursue the path of healing. On the other-side, to cease this academic death-pledge, I would have to admit to myself that most of my life has been wasted. Hard. Very Hard.
I don't know the way forward yet, save for two facts–
I must wander and I have to find some financially feasible way to move out from my father's house.
I understand more and more that in many ways, freewill is an illusion, and my path to the light of love, predetermined.
A star must shine.
A tiger must roar.
A flower must blossom.
A life must grow.
And Voxxe must sing.
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