Diary Entry: Preserving My Humanity

Sound of 100 dB 10 hours a day is becoming a casual thing for me as well as going home at 4 A.M. From the beginning it was difficult for my legs to lift such a load, but now I can walk 20 kilometers a day without any problems. Also, hangovers don't exist here, though I'm drinking pretty much every day. During work, after work, on my days off, just all the time. Every day I have a chance to taste the best quality drinks there are without spending a dime. That's the bar life.

Is this the life I wanted? Probably. I can't really complain - everybody here takes care of me as long as I perform my duties. I'm not even talking about friend's circle that got x3 times bigger over these three weeks. For the introvert this is highly unusual, but I'm not an introvert here. I can't be. In this little hell I have to be 110% extrovert. This is the price I have to pay if I seek to soak up this experience. If I didn't do that, I would never forgive myself for wasting my youth between four walls.

But the most important thing is that here I don't have any time to think about my past. In here it's easy to forget everything that connects me to my previous life. Of course, I'm trying to stay in touch with my closest friends, but I think in their mind I'm kind of dead for unlimited amount of time. Sometimes I talk to my parents on the phone, but it happens less and less, because when they come home, I go to work to prepare for upcoming night. Sometimes I forget that I had a life in Lithuania, because what happens here in Cyprus, this crazy rhythm and wild lifestyle consumes you.

Me drinking from the penis cup. Yeah.

Just when I sit down to write a sentence or two, I remember what I was and why am I really here. Just then I realize I still probably love that person who indirectly made me take this journey. Just when I write I start to miss those days that at this moment have absolutely no connection with my current reality. And when I write the last word, nothing is left except Cyprus.

Everything I was and everything I had before does not matter here. All those people that were in my life now seem like mirages that are so far, far away. Everything in my life went upside down and only because I wanted it to.

And that's good.

But still. When I spill my thoughts in a diary I don't want to talk only about the things that have changed. I want to stay honest to myself as much as possible and preserve at least some part of the things that made me who I am. I want to let in the pain that's by now buried deep inside of me, I want to bravely talk about love, losses, doubts and expectations. I want to feel my humanity, because otherwise I might loose it. Especially here in this sin city.

So I'll say this - I miss my queen that silently left me in despair even though I promised myself to despise her forever. I miss her smile, her smell. I miss those days when we had so much to talk about, so we've talked for hours and hours. I miss her stare even though I hated it back then. I miss that deep connection we had which, sadly, wasn't destined to be eternal.

I miss her lips.

Also I miss my best friend. His jokes, warmth, honesty and loyalty. I miss those drunk days which we spent in our closest friend's circle, I miss passing the joint to them. I miss being introvert and being comfortable with it around them. I miss casual messages which I got for no reason every day. Now they've stopped...

I miss my father, mother, sister, grandmothers, grandfather and all my aunts. I miss those family gatherings where I mostly sat silent, but still felt closer to home as ever.

One day everything will come back to me in one way or another. Until then I have to be here.

That's where my path leads me.

And everything will be fine. I know it.

Me and the people I miss the most

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them and others you don’t, but in the end they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into. And sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself." - Candice Bergen.

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