We’re looking for things so far from our small and simple self. Big things, bigger than us. Challenging, maybe inflated, which also require us to be someone else.
We believe in growth, improvement, in projects.
Maybe we don’t even look for all of this. But we must keep up. We gave consent.
A job that takes your life. Responsibilities that do not belong to you. Friendships that want to see your best side, which maybe it’s not even you. Wishes that are worth nothing, which promises to get you away from your reality, at least for a few hours.
I tried, to give up these things, but it didn’t work. At least, it only worked in part. You cannot be a hermit when you have someone close to you, as long as you have bills to pay bigger than your goals can pay. You cannot do what you want. To do this, you have to get out of this life. Radically. Give up everything. But as long as you are here, you have to compromise.
You know you have to compromise and you end up getting sucked, sometimes. You think this upward vortex is a necessity. You are a victim and cause of this mechanism. Maybe, at times, you are also proud to be part of it, to exploit it, to contribute to it. To live it, provided that this verb can be used.
Yet, widening the perspective would be simple.
Now I'm watching this human-sized garden at dusk. Some noise in the distance, but not enough to cover the crickets.
The dark silhouettes of the trees. The scent of some late dinner, like ours.
In the end, it's all here. Millions of people, eternity, an ocean of knowledge of which you will remain forever ignorant, endless experiences that you will never do. Dreams that, if you're lucky, will only come about in part. And you think it counts for someone, but it counts only for you. And sooner or later everything will be gone.
We are here, in this little body of which nature can do what it wants, in an instant. And this is our world. This little perspective, this moment in your garden, if you're lucky enough to have one. Or in your chair, or with your spouse at dinner, or with your friend in front of a beer, or mowing the lawn. This is your world.
Small. A small world, from a certain point of view. Never big enough for your dreams, maybe. But nothing will ever be big enough. You are small by nature. You can’t do anything about it. Rebelling is just wasted time.
What’s great in your world does not start from your greatness, but with your smallness. When you accept your little world, you are connected with it, you know that in any case it’s the last one and unique. When you curl up around your few bones, breathing, there begins your greatness. The only greatness you can afford. But also, the best, the most authentic. From there, perhaps, you can do something.
You will never find growth in more. The only road allowed, the only effective and real road, is in the small. In your present moment, letting go of your great past and the ambitious future.
Expanding your nothingness will give you back an illusion, because infinity is not your stuff.
Getting back for dinner, I hear a noise. Probably a cat. We don’t come here often, so maybe this garden belongs more to it than to us. Another little being, who doesn’t count, like me. But we're both there. Nothing in the world. But we're both here in this garden tonight. Our dimension is a small fence. Perhaps, shared with a small friend.
