12 Myth Concerning Forgiveness That Stops Us From Forgiving Others — Dr. Jim Dincalci
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When we think about forgiving others, it's likely we're not fully aware of what blocks us from doing so. We often hold onto grudges and resentment.
We let our bitterness drag us down, and eventually, we pave the way for anger and resentment to grow. This can lead to a cycle of bad feelings or unhealthy behaviors.
In his book How to Forgive When You Can’t, Dr. Jim Dincalci identified 12 common myths that hold us back from forgiving others. So in this article, we’ll be looking at them and why holding on to these myths may cause us more harm.
Let’s get into it.
Myth 1 – The person is deceased or no longer around, so forgiveness is not needed
While expressing forgiveness to someone who has passed away or died may be an act of kindness, the fundamental reason you should forgive is to stop the self-inflicted suffering of hatred and resentment.
Dr. Jim Dincalci discussed how forgiving deceased people can sometimes improve our physical health. He said, “In one of my forgiveness groups, after a woman in her forties forgave her father for abuses in childhood, the pain that she has had in her legs for years went away.”
So the fact that you don’t see the person doesn’t mean you can’t forgive. When it comes to forgiveness, out of sight isn’t necessarily out of mind.
Myth 2 – I don’t have to forgive because I never want to see them again.
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation, even though sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. It isn’t a matter of you seeing the person again. It is a matter of getting rid of the resentment that eats you up. The very fact that you never want to see that person again, is the major reason why you ought to forgive in the first place.
Myth 3 – If I forgive, I will be condoning or justifying their offense.
Giving someone the benefit of the doubt or justifying an offense is not what forgiveness is. You are not a soft person or a fool because you forgive. Though a child may steal something and be forgiven, that does not mean the parents condone what the child did.
As a matter of fact, the child might receive the consequence.
Myth 4 – I’ve tried but I can’t.
Sometimes you might be let down by what has happened, but that does not mean you cannot forgive. It is difficult, but not impossible. Forgiveness comes from a place of strength. It means you’ve defied all odds.
Myth 5 – I’m just too angry! (or too hurt!)
Allowing yourself to be trapped by anger and resentment is the most dangerous place to be. It is a temporary fix that doesn’t work. The best way is to acknowledge your emotions and try as much as possible to calm your nerves down.
Some common practices that can aid you in calming your nerves are meditation, exercises, yoga, and even prayer.
Myth 6 – They don’t deserve it
It is true that some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. Nevertheless, you’re forgiving for the sake of your own well-being and for your relationships. You’re not only doing it for others but for yourself as well.
The story of the Apostle Paul is a clear example of the transformative power of forgiveness. Paul persecuted and killed so many Christians, and he deserved to be punished by God, but God’s act of forgiveness was enough to change his path forever.
Sometimes your act of forgiveness is enough to transform a wicked soul that does not deserve to be forgiven.
Myth 7 – I just want to forget about it
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what has happened. By doing so, it means you’re living in denial. Forgiveness is acknowledging what has happened and taking away the sting in the memory that threatens your existence.
The phrase “forgive and forget” does not mean forgive a person and then wipe your memory of what the person has done to you. It means to pardon without resentment or a view toward retribution.
Myth 8 – Before I forgive, I need an apology!
If you’re waiting for an apology before you forgive, then you might wait forever. It is better to let the upset go and have peace of mind instead of allowing yourself to be a victim of someone else’s antics.
Additionally, the individual can view the incident differently and believe that an apology is not necessary.
Myth 9 – There is too much to forgive!
If you believe what someone has done is excessive and grievous, Dr. Jim Dincalci advises breaking it down. List all the offenses the person committed and forgive the smaller ones. Doing this can tremendously lift the burden off of you.
Myth 10 – I cannot forgive because they keep doing it
This is really difficult. Sometimes people can hurt you over and over again, intentionally or unintentionally, because it has become habitual. Forgiveness is really helpful in this regard.
But if you’re facing an assault or physical abuse, then I’ll advise that you protect yourself. If you’re in a relationship and your life is being threatened, then I guess you should protect yourself.
Forgiveness does not mean exposing your life to danger. You can protect yourself if you feel that your life is in danger and still forgive. My best advice is to seek professional help if this occurs.
Myth 11 – They will just hurt me again if I forgive!
“The fear of being hurt again if you forgive is real, but when fear drives your life, you are only at basic survival,” says Dr. Jim Dincalci.
Always remember that you can forgive and set limits so that you won’t be hurt.
Myth 12 – God will deal with them, I don’t have to
Of course, God will deal with them, but you have to play your part. As it is written in the Bible, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Your forgiveness is very crucial to ridding yourself of anger and pain. Even though God will show justice, you still have to let bygones be bygones.
Forgiveness isn’t easy. It requires strength and love. We must always strive to put these forgiveness myths behind us in order to move forward. Always remember that only the strong forgive.
So which of these myths is keeping you from forgiving?