If there is one emotion I find very difficult to open up about, it is when I am deeply hurt, I also find it hard to talk about those moments when I feel somehow depressed or emotionally exhausted, the funny thing is that I don't always know the exact word to use to describe how I feel, sometimes I ask myself, "Am I hurt? am I sad? am I depressed?" Etc and I honestly can't put a name to it.
That is how I have been feeling for some days now, there has been this heaviness that I cannot really explain, on the outside everything looks normal, I still smile, I still laugh, I still have conversations with people, If you saw me you probably would not even think anything was wrong but deep down I know something is not quite right, there is this feeling sitting quietly inside me that I just cannot seem to shake off.
I think one of the reasons I find it difficult to open up is because I do not always know how to explain what is going on in my mind, It is easier to talk about something when you understand it yourself, you gst.?? when you cannot even describe your own emotions how do you explain them to someone else? so instead I just keep quiet, i tell that myself it will pass, i keep going with my activities as though everything is fine, I hope that one morning I will wake up and the feeling will be gone, sometimes it does, times it stays longer than I expected.
I also do not like feeling like I am becoming a burden to people, Everyone is dealing with something, in their lives. so I sometimes convince myself that I should just carry my problems quietly for that day, whether that is the thing to do or not I honestly do not know.. I do know if keeping everything bottled up is not always the best option, there have been moments when simply talking to someone I trust made me feel a little lighter, not because they solved my problems but because I no longer felt like I was carrying everything alone, sometimes all we really need is someone who will listen without judging us or trying to fix everything.
For me I am still learning how to do that, I am learning that opening up does not make me weak, It does not mean I have failed, it simply means I am human, I may not always find the words straight away.. I may still struggle to explain exactly how I feel, but I am slowly realizing that I do not have to have everything figured out before talking about it, Some feelings do not come with a name, some emotions are there quietly sitting in my heart.. Maybe that is okay, what matters is reminding myself that I do not always have to carry those feelings, even if finding the words takes a little longer than I would like.
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