Years ago, the new wife and I attended a young marrieds course which included about 10 married couples.
Most were quite new into married life, and there were some 'seasoned' couples too.
The aim of the course was to help couples understand each other better and have the tools to deal with any issues that would come to the fore.
It was eye opening!
Almost every couple there had similar things they were dealing with. In male-female relationships, as all these were heterosexual couples, it seemed there were these hurdles that were in each home.
Let's talk about a few of them. Now the problem is, that most people are a little shy or embarrassed to address these things because they don't want top feel like they are failures, but isn't that the reason to learn, to get advice and to experience? So we can better ourselves, and hopefully get out of those ruts?
It is quite an interesting phenomena that people hide the real life that they lead? We are scared to show the real us? When in reality MOST couples have the same things that they are hiding!!!
I won't be speaking of infidelity, since that was not a discussion in this group. Fact is that this happens a lot these days, and once cheated on, it makes the road very difficult, due to trust issues that linger in the relationship.
And remember, I'm no Councillor, but remember many of the things that were discussed and what couples have in common.
Some of the discussion points were as follows:
1 - Mixing 2 families: This was an interesting one. We never thought this would be something that could create such issues, because for the most part, the in-laws were friendly and close to the spouse before they got married. BUT when they are involved in the new family, there tends to be a negative affect to the relationship.
The advice was this....keep them out of your bedroom, and don't involve them in your marriage. They can support you emotionally, without needing to take sides or have the 'dirty' on your spouse.
The counselors had seen many marriages have serious issues when the in-laws were involved in their marriage, especially when living in the same home.
Also, a discussion on how to mix different traditions is important. Remember things are as important to your souse as they are for you, and for them to no longer do a specific Christmas tradition because you have your own tradition, is DIFFICULT and a huge sacrifice. Discuss things like this up front.
2 - Lack of communication: This is a killer. Whether it is because you'r regularly fighting, or just living past each other, this one is ESSENTIAL in making a strong relationship.
But it was clear not to see nagging as a communication tool. This was really interesting that it was common to see the men not communicating as much as the ladies, but often felt that they were no longer taking as friends, but only about responsible things now. Everything became serious, and the women needed to talk about hose things, and most of the guys wanted to remain happy friends as well...so the intense conversations tired them out. Life started becoming serious and boring...for both.
Somewhere we all needed to meet in the middle!
We DO have new responsibilities now and need to act as such, but also not lose the person we fell in love with initially.
I remember clearly how all the couples said "YES!!" in agreement when we spoke about communication....she expects and wants him to 'just know' what she needs and wants, and he desires her to 'just tell him'.
We laughed......and rolled eyes...a lot!
3 - Sexual Intimacy: This was a tough one to discuss in a group type format, BUT once it opened up it became one of the most intense and funny things that were discussed.
As one of the TOP reasons marriages fail, to think this is unimportant is a huge part of the problems in marriages. The warning was made clear to everyone there, it is a distinct sign of the health of the relationship, and needs to be worked on, sometimes even planned. No excuse for saying it shouldn't be essential in a relationship....because it is! And putting in the background is
as bad as cheating emotionally on your spouse.
There will almost always be a difference in libido between couples, and it needs to be worked on.
A high libido person cannot expect it to happen every time they desire it, and make life difficult for the person that doesn't have a high libido.
On the converse, it is one of the top 2 reasons people get divorced when there is no intimacy from the low libido partner. And there can be many reasons for this, from abuse to just no interest, but whatever it is, it is not right to keep away physically from your partner, and it needs to be spoken about and resolved....or from what is shown, it will most probably end as a divorce or worse(a terribly unhappy marriage).
It's difficult to feel emotionally attached without sex, and difficult to have decent sex without emotional attachment. At some point you need to get over the dry spell, so the connection can repair! See point 2....get communicating!
There is a lot to this one, and still not cover all the causes and reactions that affect this. Fix it, fix the reasons....
4 - Trust: All people in the relationships were on board with this one. For a relationship to work there needed to be trust. No hidden secrets that couple derail the relationship.
One thing Michelle (my wife) has taught me, is to work at making your partner feel secure about you. When contacted by an ex, or if inappropriately hit on, let them know!
Do not let distrust start to build....be true to them completely, and that means opening yourself up to being hurt because they know ALL ABOUT you, and in turn could really hurt you with those things.
You know what was really interesting on this, is that you think you can keep things from your spouse, but you live so closely, that they will feel that something is there....EVERY time they will 'know' there is something wrong there, and it will eat away at them.
Are we willing to fully trust our partners? We need to!
5 - Trauma/stress: Whether the person has been through a major trauma, or is seriously stressed at work/life, these things have a direct impact on a close relationship.
In some ways this is probably why people are scared to get too close to people, because they feel then it brings problems. No, those problems exist anyway, but because you're closer to the person experiencing them, they now have an impact on your life too.
It can either cement people together if they let it, or they let it pull them apart. However, point 2 again is a major contributor to this being resolved. Being able to talk about this and not make it all personal is invaluable.
Empathy for one that has been through trauma is important. Let's say a wife had been abused by her father for years, and now has intimacy issues due to this....the husband will have to have her trust, her ear, and be empathetic to her fears and pains. They most probably will have a impact on her relationship now.
I'm no professional, so perhaps an objective person to talk to would help in trauma cases (even the inability to fall pregnant for example).
I believe women are better at helping a husband through these things than a man is towards her. We can improve ladies!!
In actual fact, I believe a healthy marriage can heal trauma and stress in a lot of cases.
6 - Boredom: This is a very underrated issue that was discussed. You are going to be with this person for a long time! It cannot be the same routine for 50 years!
Most people will not be happy in this kind of relationship.
Spontaneity and fun are essential in any relationship!! This is a silent killer IMHO, and generally the partner that starts to get bored will find something to keep themselves busy and entertained.....a slippery slope.
We all have those friends that are succubus, that suck you dry of all your energy by their negative energy and outlook. Hypochondriac, negative, complainers.....you can only take so much of them....don't be one!
Anyway, so this was going to be a short post, but as I started to write it, a lot of fresh memories started coming back to me.
I'm sure these are things that each of you have experienced....because that's just how relationships work!
And if you're like me, an imperfect person married to a great person, one that you love with all your heart....and trying to make it all work, then know you are not alone, or a problem because you're experiencing these issues within the relationship.
Fact is most people are, and the successful ones are those that make it work despite the issues.
[Image and info credit allpsychologyschools.com, marriedbyjosh.com, beckijohnson.com, christianitytoday.com, cosmopolitan.com, heavenmademarriage.com]
